ARG (god how many runners up to this do I have?)

So what's up with humanity huh? Here I am loving it and believing in it and then it comes back and bites me in the ass. But then again, at the same time, things happened the same evening which should make me keep on believing; like helping friends and guards actually keeping an eye out. Things could have gone much worse.

I had my birthday this Saturday right (yeah thanks for all the happy birthday wishes folks, appreciate it), so we went out partying. Everything was cool (well, it was a bit lukewarm because one was too tired to party and another never showed up and that was basically the extent of the group (not you emelie). I met this tooootally cute asian guy though. He was so sweet, we talked, we kissed, we drank and fooled around. Then he wanted to take me home, no I say, I want to party done first, and THEN we can go home. But he isn't listening, and I can't really remember what happened after that until a guard apparently caught us as he tried to drag me out of the club. They intercept us and throw him out, and continues to tell me that he has a history of drugging young girls. So, we are not entirely sure that I WAS drugged, but most clues lead to it. We went to the hospital to check, but they wouldn't test me because apparently it was impossible for them to do so *shrugs* Anyway, I can't remember anything except waking up the day after trying to puke my guts out.

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh, why can't I just have ONE good birthday? WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I just needed to get it off my chest. Now I have caught a cold from hell, I still can't focus my thoughts as things just seem muddled, I walk into doors, fall out of bed, hit my head and generally just act stupid. I hope I will feel better after work tomorrow, doing something constructive usually help.

New stuff

So now I am officially job-less. Though I like to refer to myself as an unhired freelance writer. My last day at work was yesterday, and it was a hellish Saturday like any other... In a week from today I'll be living in Sweden. Unfortunately it turns out that my boss has chosen not to pay me for my payed vacation, that bitch. We get payed vacation right, but since I don't have any set days she has just chosen not to put me up during my vacation, aka, I don't get payed for shit. My salary was devastatingly small, so I suppose I'll have to live on sticks and stones for a while.

Hmmm. I know I'm gonna miss Norway, but at the same time I can't really imagine living here much longer either. I hope nice things will happen in the future.

Aslo; I have decided I will finish at least one book by the age of 22. I dunno how long it will take to get it published, but by 22 one will be finished and shipped off to as many publishers as I can think of. Look forward to it guys XD

REMEMBER ME?

Yeah I am back. Where have I been? Around XD Well I suppose most of you guys know, and those who don't couldn't really give a rats ass anywais.

OH WELL! I have been at WACKEN! Oh man oh man that was awesome. PARTAY and BANDS and stinky toilets <3 Everything I had dreamt it to be and more. Boooya! The last day we saw girugämesh and they kicked some serious ass. They were obviously VERY happy and excited to be there as they jumped around on stage until I pondered what the hell they were on. The friend of the translator joined us waiting before the concert and let us sign a Japanese flag and pose with it so she could show giru. I wrote something like "Keep on doin' it metal. Love from NORWAY X" At least now they know they have ONE fan here. Bwahahaha *plots*

Other than Wacken I have been roaming Gøteborg as per usual. I will, as you know, move there in about three or four weeks time. Wooooh, nervous.

Right now I have re-discovered D'espairsRay *rolls around in pleasure* I have missed them *purrs*

Oh, btw Liz do you have any Kat Tun at hand and do you want to come with me to Jrock Night IV this next Saturday? You might be busy or out of country, but I haven't had time to catch up on LJ, so forgive moooooiiiss.

Yeah, after all this time I should have something awesome to write, but I don't really. When exciting things happen I don't really like to write about it. Haaahaaha.... huuh.

YA, despa's effecting me. I am going to read some dirty fanfiction, then roll into bed with my delicious Zombie book and think dirty thoughts of Zero while listening to him play bass. Boooya sexay beast hurr.

Eyes Wide Open

All these visions in my head
Should've gone to bed before the water shed
Some are live and some are dead
Makes no difference when they're in your head, head

Keep the door open a crack
So I can see them when they attack
Some are white and some are black
Makes no difference when they're on your back

And I can't stop crying
And I can't stop driving
'Cause the day is dying, dying, dying
And my eyes wide open

Count the sheep jumping the fence
So I can see tinkers when I am feeling tense
Disbelief hung in suspense
Eiderdown is my own defense

And I can't stop crying
And I can't stop driving
'Cause the day is dying, dying, dying
And my eyes wide open

All these visions in my head
Should've gone to bed before the water shed
Some are live and some are dead
Makes no difference when they're in your head

And I can't stop crying
And I can't stop driving
'Cause the day is dying, dying, dying
My eyes wide open

- Travis

maaaaan

After lots of arguing and messaging back and forth my mother has finally offered me an apology. Now I could move home if I wanted to... but I don't really. I can't really find it in me to forgive her, even if I told her that all I wanted was an apology. Which is quite peculiar since in my nature I have a really easy time forgiving people. This time it seems like I just... can't.

Then why don't I just stay? I don't HAVE to move home, but the thing is, I am not liking living here either. Yes I know that sounds spoiled, but living at your grandma gives you the feeling of being a houseguest 24/7, which can be really tiring. And you know, it's just that much you can take of Granny talk and doting. Not that I am not grateful she's taking me in, I am, but ya know...

So I don't wanna stay here, and I don't wanna go home. I know I prob' only sound spoiled but, yeah. I have to choose between two things I loath and I am just so tired. Mum is the only parent I have, and alienating her makes me feel kind of orphaned really.


Though I am an adult and should be able to deal with that...

Pffft

So now I have been officially thrown out of home :/ Currently bunking at my grandma's place until something else shows up. I discovered that my mum had stoled up to 2000 nok from me, and when I confronted her on it we ended up in quite a vicious argument. She said in reality I should pay her 3000 in rent 'cause that's how much it costs to keep me, and then suddenly she demanded this. I called her a fucking egoistic cunt, because this is what she is, and she threw me out. Well, I was throwing myself out just as much, it's nice knowing I never have to go back there except to pick up my stuff. I hope she rot in hell.

I dunno whether I should feel betrayed or not. Or angry... I suppose I am quite angry. Or then the betrayal was so cruel it hasn't computed just yet. Or maybe I am overreacting... hmm...

I was at a party this Friday, managed to get prettyyyyy drunk and ended up with a girl... Anyway, that isn't what's important. On 17th of May (Norways national day) I attended a grillparty at a friend's house. We were all sitting eating dinner having a cosy time when one of my friends from the first party (who had been looking at me and giggling all day) burst out "oh Siren can't I tell them what happened last night!?" I said "no, no you can't" blushing furiously, because well, when you're not drunk anymore what you do while drunk doesn't seem like such an amazing idea after all. Anyway, she didn't listen to me and burst out "oh but everyone wants to know now! Siren had sex with a girl in Kim's bed last night!"

Everything went deadly quiet. She told to my friends plus a few people I had just gotten acquainted with that very day, that I had had sex with a girl. She told the friends that I had not yet even told about my sexuality that I had had sex with a girl. She knew WHY I hadn't told those friends in the first place that I am into girls. I had given her my confidence in telling her, also explaining why I didn't want it brandished about. She told while we were eating dinner that I had had sex with a girl.

I simply just thanked her for having so vigorously pushed me out of the closet and continued to act relatively coldly against her the rest of the evening. She said sorry in a kind of "I suppose I gotta say it" way when she left later.... but I dunno whether I really feel like forgiving her.

Should I just grow up and forgive her?

Certainly not telling her anymore secrets anytime soon....

First thing first: Moaning and bitching.

So lately my illness and headaches has only grown worse. I think it might be a combination of some cold and allergy. I have always sworn I am not allergic to anything, but my mum said she had me tested and revealed positive on plenty of things when I was a kid. I still won't listen to it, humph! It's silly being allergic. Anywais, my head has been unnatrually bothersome the last week. So bad actually I had to get a sickleave from my doctor as I couldn't see or hear straight. It's a different headache than my migraine though, and personally I think it's because of my neckproblems. Yeah, I know this is not interesting to anyone but me, but it takes up most of my days now and inables me from both working, writing or indeed using the computer at longer periods of time. I can't even read, so I just sit around with sunglasses on drinking tea and choking down painkillers. I sound like SUCH a wuzz haha XD

On an entierly different and kinda happy note: I had to go to the mall where I work today in order to hand in my written testament from my doctor. At the Games shop this dude I have had a good eye on for a while work, so I conviniently decided to buy a game for my sister's birthday. My mother was with me as aid (god I really am a totall wuzz....), and I had told her beforehand that I found the guy working there cute. Walking in pretending to be all confidence I smile brightly at him and chirp an "hello!". He just stares at me for a second before grinning and saying hello back. When I have a crush in someone I become really disoriented and silly, so I just wandered around in the store like a blind idiot, furiously trying to find the DS games. The dude threw away what he was doing and came over to me wondering if I needed assistance. I said was looking for DS games so he showed me (right next to me...) and then ran around a bit. I stood there with my mum trying to find the right game, so he came over once more, talking to me about the games and that they had cheaper games there and they were used and I had a return right and blahblah, I just giggled and told him thank you very much. So we stood there a bit more, morons not being able to find the game and he hoovering around making me nervous. So finally I ask him where it is and he immediatly point at it grinning like mad, I feel like an idiot, but still grin and thank him. Then I talk to my mum for a bit in whispers and she tells me he's staring at me, making me even more flustered. So I finally shuffle over to the desk to buy the game and he chatters away, me almost unable to hear because of the headache but still grinning like an idiot. He says "hah, I should give you twice the discount since you work two places!!" And I am thinking "geuhaueyt3yeg YOU KNOW WHERE I WORK?" but say "hah nooo, I have quit over at Clas now..." and he's like "aaah but you can't say that, you could have gotten it cheaper!" and I am still thinking basically nothing but "y8tg4urhushtu4" but say "hahaha, no, I am an honest person, sometimes."

What took me was that when I am interested in something I usually stare them straight in the eye to make my intent obvious, and he stared right back! Damn it felt like electricity. *giggles like a silly girl*

Afterwards my mum was all "HOMG HE IS SOOO IN LOVE WITH YOU YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HOW HE STARED AT YOU HOMG!" and I was all "*gigglegigglegiggle isn't he cute? *Giggle*"

So yah... that's basically it. Tomorrow I am finally getting out and drunk, and I'm gonna spend 17th of May grilling with my friends. Good weekend.

Philosophy schvilosophy

I realised yesterday that I have more good years ahead of me than bad years behind me.

That went a long way to releave the midlife crisis I have had since I turned eighteen. I have just begun, I have hardly had the opportunity to do anything. First I need to figure out where I stand, THEN I can continue walking. Forcing yourself through a dence forest isn't gonna help one bit if all you do is walking in the wrong direction. /lame metaphor

hmm

I feel pretty down today. Yeah, so then I need to rant about it in my journal, as if I didn't seem emo enough as it is. Had a huge row with my mum and grandma today, though I must admit I did start it because I was bored. Heeeh... I was (still am in a way) supposed to write today, but most of the day went away in the argument.

I got a new story idea again. They just keep on flowing in, but I can't find the time or the concentration to sit down and write them. That's why I can only grab a napkin in the rush at work and note down the essentials. Maybe I one day will be able to actually write the books I have in my mind. There's quite a lot of stories now, and it's getting cramped. Makes me frustrated to have them there. Itchy in a way.

The characters never leave, they just become more elaborate and a part of myself. The story line never fades, more and more just gets added on it and unconected lines conect. They grow and grow and I don't know what to do about them anymore. They just multiply >_< I have five stories which belongs in a series, another a bit epic story, a rather funny one, the yaoi one, then now this new story popping into my mind. Not to mention all the shortstories or fanfiction ideas I get. They just flurish in.

And of course we have my main writing project, which keep getting postponed for some weird ass reason. I am just too much tired all the time, but I think now that I start on the new pills I might get a bit more energy. I really hope so. And a bit more stamina, because when I am done with work I don't want to be tired, I want to get home, make a cup of tea and relax in front of the comp with writing. Not shuffle home and fall asleep drooling on the couch until next day when it's work again.

I will manage this though. I want it so bad and I feel I am gathering the strength to. Neil Gaiman is a real inspiration too. Seriously, I need to thank him for so fucking much.

I have finally written the last punctuation on a short story I have been writing on. It's totally ridiculous and has no real meaning what so ever, but I want to put it up here anyway. It's a way to really finish it, to make it "public".

No one is obligated to read it, and I don't expect any feedback either. I just want to put it here. (though of course I would be happy if someone did, but I know it craves a lot to read the stories of people one know.)

Roger and Julian

I don't really origin from a very good neighbourhood. Truth be told, none of us do. After the great depression in 2965, closely followed by the 5th and 6th World War, the entire world structure and the economy broke completely apart.

I could read in my old historybook (which they had optimistically given us) about a time where it had been such things as monarchies. They had even had something called democracy. At least so they claimed in the western parts of the world, but it seemed dubious to me. It was difficult to picture a world where the people could freely vote who was to make their laws, rule their economy and organize their trade.

But, as I said, those were just stories by now. Each and every town or province was ruled by the one family with most money or resources. The Family stood for collecting all the taxes (as they conveniently had chosen to call it), decided on the laws, followed through with the punishments, recruited minions and patrolled the schools. In other words; they organized everything that would ensure that they controled all of the town’s money.

In Veronica, my province, there were basically two major families competing for the power. Montey and Caper. They had been waring for almost five long generations. I had in secret questioned more than once why they found Veronica to be worth giving so much blood for. They reminded me of two starving dogs fighting for the same piece of rotten meat.

Unfortunately for me, I was born a Montey. This hadn't really concerned me much previously, as it had only meant that I needed to keep away from the Caperdistrict (if I didn’t particularly feel for getting shot or beaten up that is). But no more than three months ago my harmless uncle had managed to get himself killed. This placed Miss Montey on the throne, effectively making me the next in line to wear the Montey "crown".

Something which didn’t interest me the slightest. And more importantly: it kept me from setting a foot outside the house. If I was to follow my mother’s guidlines of course.

I had; however, very few plans of letting a possible assassination keep me from sneaking out and enjoy a night of partying. Simple worries such as still being alive when the sun went up had never bothered me much before. If I lived I lived. If I happened to die, well, there really wasn’t anything I could do about that. My good friend, Ben, kept on insisting I was just a tad bit suicidal, and he kept telling me that he was just testing if I was going safe whenever he emptied my last bottle of alcohol, or popped my last pill.

It was on such a night when I had managed to sneak out and had driven down to the beach with Ben that things began to change.

I was lying on my back, staring up at the grey sky where the stars were supposedly twinkling. As colourful sparkles and dizzying twirls shot across the sky a sneaking suspicion that something more than just regular spirits had been in my last bottle of booze came to me. I lazily rubbed my eyes, quickly giving up as I realized this was just resulting in me getting sand in them.

“I see you’ve tasted Taz’s brew,” said a voice from above. Together with the sparkly colours and the fact that the ground was spinning dizzily underneath me, I became more than just a bit confused.

“Are you God?” I asked weakly, wondering why Ben hadn’t tested my drink this time. If he had, my quite embarrassing meeting with God could have been prevented. God just laughed and sat down on the sand beside me.

“No, I’m not God, you can call me Lian though,” explained the person who was not God.

“Well Lian,” I mumbled, “I’m very sick right now, and if you don’t move I’ll be throwing up all over you.”

But my stomach took a sharp turn before I had the possibility to throw up over Lian, and all the contents came up without asking me first. The only problem was that I was lying on my back and my body was just too numb for me to even consider the thought of turning around. Instead I just lied there choking in my own puke, unable to do a thing about it. Luckily for me though, Lian soon came to the rescue and turned me heroically around. I might have gotten quite a bit of sand in my mouth, but it was certainly better than being declared dead by puke. Lian patted me helpfully on the back.

“There’s a reason why I never touch Taz’s brew,” said Lian meaningfully. “Come now, let’s get you washed off.”

Lian had easily become my new favourite person in the world and I followed willingly as we shuffled down to the water’s edge.

In a normal situation I would never have washed in, or even touched, that water. But I had just met God, or as close to it as I would ever come, and water suddenly didn’t matter as much.

Lian took off his shirt and dipped it in the water before he began washing my face. There was more comfort and care in his touches than there had ever been in my Mother’s.

“Like that,” said Lian smiling, “you don’t look too bad when you’re clean.”

Handing me his half empty bottle of beer that he’d been carrying with him, Lian let me clean my mouth for puke, sand and poisoned spirit.

“Either the alcohol has ruined my sight,” I said, “or then you’ve got pink hair.”

Lian smiled vainly and let his hand ruffle through his pink strands.

“My friends tell me I look ridiculous,” he confessed, “but I like it like this... What do you think?”

I was taken a bit aback by the fact that Lian even cared about my opinion on the matter, but I answered as truthfully as I could.

“I think you’re quite beautiful like that.”

Lian giggled and began picking at his ripped pants.

“What’s your name?” he asked after the blush had more or less disappeared from his cheeks.

“Roger,” I answered. A name which I had never really liked much, “Montey. Roger Montey.”

Lian’s smile faded and he stared at me for quite some time. It was quite uncomfortable.

“How so?” I finally asked stupidly. Then it dawned on me that this Lian had to be a Caper. When this thought finally had settled in, the rest of the pieces in the puzzle fell in place by themselves. Lian was Julian Caper, oldest son of the Caper family’s patriarch.

“Oh damn,” I finally managed to say.

“Yes,” answered Julian, “maybe a bit.”

A good while crawled past while we sat beside each other on the beach and wondered what to do.

“I think I’m supposed to kill you now,” said Julian uncertainly. He didn’t really seem like the guy ideal to kill off his parent’s rivals.

“That’s probably what you should do yeah,” I said, taking a sip of the little beer that was left.

“I don’t really feel like it though,” he said, sounding a bit concerned by it all.

“.... Noo....” I answered slowly and thoughtfully, “it’s really not that much fun...”

“Have you done it?” asked Julian with wide eyes, “have you really killed someone?”

I nodded silently and stared out over the water shimmering with poisoned green in the light from the industrial buildings surrounding it.

“Was it terrible?” Julian kept asking, the pink strands falling down to tickle his face.

“It was pretty bad,” I answered and suddenly felt quite experienced in the ways of the world, “I didn’t hit where I was supposed to, so the bullet went through his left eye and out through the side of his skull. He lived several minutes after that.”

Lian’s brown eyes grew from wide to even wider and his pink lips formed a silent “oh”.

“I don’t want to kill anybody,” said Julian quietly, scratching his leg ponderously. I got a lump in my throat watching him. There was little doubt that some sibling or cousin would get rid of him in the near future. Probably with his father’s concent. Julian wouldn’t amount to much more than a hostage, and thus a loss of money.

The sun had slowly managed to creep up on the hazy sky, and scattered around on the beach lied people drunken dead. Some a bit more dead than others. A plan suddenly hit my slow mind.

“What if I pretend to have killed you, and then committed suicide?”

“Why in the world should we do something like that?” gasped Julian confused. My genius plan seemed a bit less genius as I thought about it. In the end I just shrugged my shoulders.

“Why not?”

“Ok,” answered Julian.

We had, however, no idea where to leave after having rubbed Julian’s shirt in blood and tossed it into the dirty river.

I had hurriedly composed a suicide letter explaining that I had grown tired of all these murders and thus thrown myself in the river too. This note I placed in Ben’s pocket as he lied over a girl he had tried to get to know a bit better during the night. He appeared to have passed out before anything exciting happened though.

We had easily gotten a ride out of Veronica by hitch hiking on the back of an old truck.

“This is a bit like Romeo and Juliet,” giggled Julian while he sat snugly in the crook of my arm.

“Who?” I asked confused, never having heard of these people.

“It’s an ancient story. A good thousand years old actually! It’s about this couple being madly in love, but committed suicide or something, because they couldn’t get each other.”

“That sounds incredibly stupid,” I answered as we watched Veronica turn into an ugly, grey spot in the distance.

I actually started this story second year at upper secondary. Yeah that's how long it takes.

Bugger iiit

Damn, me and my boss was in another argument again. I suppose nothing strange about that really... become and every day occurrence by now. Or it would be wrong to call her my boss, since she doesn't work with my salary, hirement or schedule at all. I should say senior, instead I think.

Anyway, this has to go fast as I am running for the bus in less than three minutes, I was fixing the ice cup towers and suddenly I managed to make one fall over (they ain't that big. Like twenty cups?' So this is how it went down:

Me: *topples tower* Fuck damn!
Senior: God! Are you planning on starting doing something right around here anytime soon?
Me: *godsmacked that she has the DECENSY to say such a thing to me and rightfully get into a huff* And are you planning on becoming civil anytime soon?
Senior: *walks away* (she always does this when I confront her) In all my days here I have seen nothing like this.
Me: Good, then you have something to talk about for dinner!

Man she angers me so, she behaves as if I'm some runaway kid and not her adult co-worker. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable. But do you guys wanna hear the worst part? She's a bitch, she's a hag, she's impossible to get along with, she's old, but fuck if I don't get turned on whenever she puts her glasses on >_<.

I need to get laid. Seriously.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Man one gets annoyed. I was preparing for a nice long day off today, I had already schedueled it with sleeping in, writing, washing of clothes, cleaning of room, packing of bag and general preparations... Then at ten my friend calls insistently from work and I wonder wtf is up? She knew I had talked about the day off, so she called me and told me I had been put up and wondered if I knew... LIKE HELL I KNEW! NO ONE HAD TOLD ME I WOULD WORK TODAY! I mean WHAT THE HELL?! Were they just supposing I'd just magically KNOW I was put up for work? What? D: I had gotten no message, no phonecall, no notes no nothing from ANY of my bosses informing me I was in fact due to working. What if my friend hadn't seen that by an accident and I hadn't gotten the message AT ALL? GOD the place is driven by amateurs now.

Three out of the five women we have in leader position are on longterm sickleave, and one of them are quitting. The rest are just ridiculous blokes who have no clue wth they are doing. Sorry to say, but it's ALL a mess now.

If this doesn't shape up I am looking for another job. I am not interested running around like a little hen wondering if I am working or not. I am not willing to put up with that. For christ's sake. If they can't take the responsibility it is to put people on shifts they should quit their job and go home to fulltime wanking or something. I swear that's the only thing they are capable of.

ETA: Turns out I am not working after all. I mean wtf? Apparently they had managed to put up an OLD schedule... I mean... come the HELL on! So when my friend noticed this and raised the alarm, everyone ran everywhere trying to figure out what the hell was going on o_O God *shakes head* And this is supposed to be one of scandenavia's biggest hardware store-chains?

A case of underjoyed

I am so gone in my head right now. On a realistic and logical level I know it's because I haven't been at work since Friday and I am bored and as such I get down. I need to always be in activity to feel good and the weather is fucking... damn the weather. On a different level I also know it's the disappointment because we didn't get the apartment, plus the weather again, and just general downness. I am a bit worried about my continious headache too. Anyway... I stole this from huivanta so:

SEVEN THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:
Dio, Prince, lotr books, LOVELESS mangas, foxplushie, dragonposters, guitar

SEVEN RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:

Does someone like you?
I dunno, maybe.

Last real crush?
Eh, well we have that friend of mine. But that's just continous heartache. I'd like to say Shuu ('cause I am a fangirl like that).

Been lead on?
No, I lead other people on.

Been cheated on?
No... again I am the one who cheats

Want a relationship?
Maybe it would be nice.

Wanna get married?
Am set to get married in eight years XD

SEVEN THINGS YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT:
my friends, bus-card, mp3 player, mobile, laptop, books, fox plushie


SEVEN THINGS ON YOUR MIND:
My recsent brain meltdown (I really don't want to go through all of those tests again. Electrodes to your head is no fun), apartment (we didn't get the one in gøteborg), work (do I really have the stanima?), money (I pay too much taxes and the wrong taxes... I need more money now), moving (wonder how I'll be able to get a job and apartment in copenhagen), writing (I haven't been focusing enough on the Project these last weeks and I feel bad about it), books (I notice I take them too seriously lately. Foolproof sign that I might get into one of my "periods" again. That and the migraine kind of underlines this... I really don't want this... I need to stay here)

SEVEN OTHER THINGS- DO YOU:

Had a dream come true?
No... well I did see Dir en grey and I kinda met them. So... a small dream anyway

Read the newspaper?
Only the comics. The newspapers' lack of serious topics just piss me off

Pray?
Why should I pray to anyone but myself? I am the only one with the power to change things.

Have a best friend?
I do <3

Had braces?
Nope, I should have had but we never afforded it. And my mother kinda forgot... so now I have horse teeth.

Wish on stars?
Of course not.

SEVEN HAVE YOU EVERS:
Kiss someone of the same sex?
Quite obviously yes

Swam in the dark?
I think so.

Been to a Bonfire?
Nope

Ran away from home?
No, I wish I could.

Played strip poker?
Many times, I am always the one sitting there in nothing at the end.

Pulled an all nighter?
All the time.

SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU:
Been drunk?
No

Had fun?
No

Been kissed?
No

Felt stupid?
Not that I can remember

Talked to an ex?
No

Missed someone?
All the time <3

Hugged someone?
My mum, sister, cousin and grandma.

Dayamn

Yesterday I had to go home from work because of some kind of seizure. I have yet to figure out what it is... though I believe it's either a weirder form of my migraine or that my migraine has developed into a very, very small (veeeery small mind you) epilepsy. These seizures are sporadic, but relatively short. It's like fainting, just that I never faint completely. Now that I have fainted "properly" during the girugämesh concert I have a way to compare the two incidents, and what I previously thought was just regular fainting-spells seems to be a bit more... sinister? It starts with a period of disorientation, where the time moves slower or in brackets. Like one second I am talking, the next something entirely different is happening. As if several seconds of my time has been cut out. Then my sight darkens from the edges and turns to black and grey with spots. This is where I want to link it to my migraine, because the spots remind me a lot of the pre-migraine state. As this happens I lose the control of my muscles and often sag down but without really noticing before the nearest hard surface is in contact with my head *cough* I also get a taste of metal in my mouth, and the sensation as if my entire body has been treated with electricity. I am often very dizzy, sick and disoriented a long time after these fainting-spells. They never last for long though (the fainting in itself only last for a minute or so, but the before and aftermath can last a bit longer), and before I never viewed it as anything but a bother. But yesterday I had to leave work because I had one of these in the register. That is not okay. Fainting or so in public is not something I wish, especially not during work. So I am trying to get a hang of my doctor to book an appointment. People who know me know how much I HATE the doctor, so now I am taking it seriously. Besides all my joints have been given me a lot of pain lately, so I thought I'd just take it all in one go and be done with doctors for a good while.

Anyway, enough of the hypochondriac-ness now. Over to my actual rant.

I left work yesterday because of this, and still I don't feel well in my body and am really not eager to return to a stressing job. I work at the ice bar today and on Saturdays its hell on earth, you guys can't even imagine (except BB-san, I gather). So I asked my mum about it and she said I was to call in sick, so I did. When I called in I got the message that it was my responsibility to find a back up if I couldn't come in today. Wait what? When did that become my responsibility? I checked my contract and nope, under sickleave there's no mention of having to find a back up at all. So I tried to call my boss twice but she didn't answer, so I tried to get a hang of my OTHER boss, and she didn't answer either. Finally my first boss called me back after several tries and I told her I was not able to come in today. (Personally I am not certain I want to return to work at all until I figure out what these seizures are, but that might take months or weeks so no can do). My boss then wondered whether or not I had called around and asked if anyone else could take over my shift. Again: wait what? THIS IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY! I am not even permanently hired, I am just a part time help D: It agitates me that they do not have enough of an establishment that they can handle sickleave. Damn them. Besides, it's the mall-etiquette that every employee have every second Saturday off. Do you guys think I have had every second Saturday off? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No. I have worked every Saturday since I started. So if I call in sick one Saturday? Damn I have the right to! *haruphs*

:D

I am drinking cocoa with cream and eating homemade bread with brown cheese. It's like I am right back in my childhood again except I am reading HP smut as I am eating :D

/end too much info

Typical.

Me and my mum are arguing again. That blood hag. She feels I should be doing more at home... yeah... 'when?' I asked. At what time should I do more? the half hour I've got to eat breakfast before work or the halfhour I have sitting peering at the screen trying to write when I get home before succumbing into sleep? She says I doesn't work THAT much ALL the time. No... no I don't. There's some days where there's a few hours before I go to work, and some, lo and behold, I got off! Some weeks I actually have two days off like a normal human being! Who would have thought ... So I asked her 'When this week would I have had time to do any sort of work here at home?' and she answered me 'Well, now for starters? You could have taken the vacuumer when you were done with the shower.' (I started work at eleven, I got up at eight to have a bit of time in the morning since I like that.) So I answered 'Oh ok. But why didn't you tell me then, so that I could have skipped breakfast and my morning tea to vacuum under your ass?' Then her eyes grew big because she had apparently forgotten I needed breakfast. OH NO INVINSIBLE SIREN DOES NOT NEED BREAKFAST. SHE NEEDS TO CLEAN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE WHICH YOU HAVE TOLD HER SEVERAL TIME IS NOT HER HOME BUT JUST HER TEMPERAL LODGING UNTIL SHE GETS OUT. She was originally also planning to help me economically with moving out, but she withdrew that offer just as she told me to get out as soon as possible. Logical? Not in the least. My mum doesn't have to be you see, because she's always right. Or "right". She gets to heated up in the argument she bloody well forgets what's possible or not. She started this argument because she was doing some chores around the house and I was drinking my morning tea trying to hurry and answer a comment by suomi_goth before running for the bus. Do you guys know what my mum does during the days? Nothing. Thaaat's right, she does nothing. She doesn't work. I have two jobs and still she wants me to clean up. So it ended with her not bothering "to do anything for your ungrateful ass" anymore. Including HANGING UP MY WET WORKCLOTHES WHICH I NEEDED FOR TODAY WHILE SHE KNEW I COULD NOT BE HOME UNTIL HALF PAST ELEVEN LAST NIGHT BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? I WAS WORKING! So now I have to wear a wet uniform. Thanks mum, thanks for being OH SO FUCKING BRIGHT.

When I move out, I am never coming back. Never the fucking way. I'll just break contact for a good few years. Maybe I can stand her ugly attitude then.

We haven't talked for two days.

Bitchy McBitchson! - a rant about work

I always start at the wrong side of the baguette, which annoys me... Anyway, over to the actual rant here:

At my work I have a boss that is an incredible Bitch. Yes Bitch with a capital B. I am not talking about a girl who knows how to stand up for herself, I am talking about an old bitter hag who has nothing better to do than harass people who doesn't do things her own way. She's a Bitch, and I want to cut her face. Anyway, in the beginning I was terrified of her. I worked as hard as I could, tried to take initiative so that she would notice and just generally getting on her good side. It seemed as if it worked, slightly. She smiled and we talked and such, but for some reason she STILL felt like bitching on me and everything I did. Most people who know me know that I have the temperament of a Latino, meaning no temperament at all. I just go off like a bomb. Not even a ticking bomb, because that would have meant there would be time in-between the insult and the reaction. No, I just go off, preferably right in their face. But I am not stupid either (well not entirely) and I know this is my work and she is my boss. I kept my head low and just nodded at her and her fucking bitching. But then the last days, especially last week since I was so tired, I couldn't prevent myself from huffing or coming with the occasional "I know that, you don't have to tell me AGAIN". Thus our fragile bond broke and she has been bitching at me non-stop and I have been glaring non-stop. And yesterday was the stand off, the day neither of us could handle the other one anymore. Lemme tell the story that has made me somewhat of a legend with the floor people at the café (they all hate her):

I was standing making waffles, and for some reason there was a load of people wanting waffles right then and we were running out. I was talking to a girl fixing the marmalade beside me that I needed more waffle-dough since I had ran out of that too. Apparently she didn't hear me because she went back to the dishwashers. I had a couple of waffles in the wafflemakers, but I thought I could have the time to fetch some dough if I hurried. So I ran to the closest fridge we have dough in, but Bitchy McBitchson was standing on front of it so I said 'Excuse me' and as she moved I took a peek inside. Then she managed to say in a real pissy tone "we don't have any dough THERE'. How was I supposed to know we didn't have dough there hm? I had to check didn't I? It's customary to check the closest place to you when you're in a hurry whether it has what you need right? So I snapped a 'how was I supposed to know THAT?' over my shoulder as I hurried to the other fridge. There it was dough, but some of it had spilled down and made the handle wet. I didn't see this however, and these bowls are HUGE and HEAVY. So needless to say it slipped out of my grip and I spilled some on the floor. A sound 'fuckin' cunt' was heard as that's how I roll when I swear. Anyway, I hurry back just in time to save the waffles and as I stand there fixing things Bitchy McBitchson move over to Bitchson Jr. (it's her daughter) and leans in (she was standing like two metres away from me, wtf?) and says 'god that Siren, you should have seen, she was angry and managed to spill that damn waffledough on the floor. God is it even possible?' By this time my blood is seething and I turn around looking at her as she talks and the fucking cunt is staring right back, knowing I am hearing it. Then she goes to fetch some toast as if it never happened and I say 'that is not how it happened and you know it,' and she just looks at me and goes 'you must stop being so angry.' I just wanted to shout "ME STOP BEING ANGRY YOU CUNT?! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MAKES PEOPLE CALL IN SICK BECAUSE THEY CAN'T HANDLE YOUR PISSY FACE!!" Anyway I didn't, I just said in a calm and collected tone 'if you wish to back-talk me, do it somewhere I can't hear you.' She never answered that and just went back to the customers. So, a little while later I head back to the dishwashers because I don't want to be in front looking at her ugly mug. She comes back to handle some customers on the automat and gives me a glare, of course I glare back because I am that way. She snaps a ‘calm down’ to me and of course I have to do the opposite by smashing the dishes down while glaring. Then she says: 'Do you want me to talk to Gro about this?' (Gro is the top boss), I was tempted to say 'yes, so I can tell her all about you fucker' but I just shook my head and made a pointing motion between the two of us while I leaned in close (she ain't that tall) 'this is between you and me, WE are to talk about this understood?' Then I went back to the dishwashers and she said no more to me the entire day. But of course she suddenly started to talk and smile to the other Floor girl, who she has never even said hello to before and needless to say the girl was terrified half to death and thought she was going to die. Lol, says much about the Bitch ne?

THE END

lol... I think o_O I think I'll hear more from her. She's used to get it JUST how she wants it. The Boss is never down to check so she runs the place as if it's hers. She has worked there since forever and all her daughters have worked there with her and shit. But yeah, I am not taking it. I'm gonna say it as it is; I don't take shit, not from anyone. I have another job; my grades are good enough that if I want to I can easily get another. No prob. I quit if the Boss takes her favour, and they will regret it. Until now the Boss has told me that I have gotten immense positive feedback, even from the customers. The other girls are of course in awe now XD The only Floor girl that was there together with me that morning went around telling all the others as soon as they arrived later in the evening. Many are sure I am gonna get hell now, but I am accustomed to that and I am accustomed to giving hell too so no biggie.

Pfft, didn't I tell you all about not liking to cause drama BB? Apparently I lied XDDDD

I AM A DRAMA QUEEN DESU! And a fucking pissed one at that *nods*

Yeah, I never update much do I? The simple reason for that is that there's not really much to update on. Now that spring is fast emerging (HOMG THERE'S BARE DRY CONCRETE OUTSIDE <3) my habitual winter depression and emoness is waning like melting snow (hurrrr, loves me some lame metaphors). The sky is blue, I am drinking a good cup of tea and listening to Plastic Tree which is becoming my new favourite band (well, Dir en grey will always be on top, but that's a sort of 'duh' factor). I love them, I love how they make me feel. While Dir en grey has the bad habit of always making it seems as if... nothing really helps. That everything is just BAD. I have now realized after a lot of Pura (plastic tree) listening how Dir en grey's music actually make me feel. Not for that, it's still the most gorgeous music in the world and I will never give them up because that music means just that much to me, it's just so lovely listening to a band which makes me feel the presence. It's so hard do describe without going all mushy and metaphorical and embarrassing. Anyway, Pura makes the present seem good, it makes me notice it and appreciating it. Pura's music is like the fresh air and blue sky in spring *nods* Enough of that silliness, not a soul in the world cares except me.

Yesterday I worked about 14 hours, give or take half an hour. It was ok though, I actually enjoyed myself and the time went by real fast. The fact that I slept only three hours before getting up at five in the morning did mean that I caved at half past twelve when I got home and slept all until now (that's over 12 hours straight ppl). Now I am making ready for a day of writing, because NO WORK TODAY OH YAY!

I also had some sort of foodpoisoning or something last week which was... horrible. I was alternating between lying on the floor crying and puking/having diarrea so much I was puking blood. I kept on bleeding for a good few days but I don't think that's a detail anyone cares too much to read about XP I feel that it's finally getting a bit better though, my stomach is more set and my energy is more back. Last week I had no energy at all and was just hanging around at work trying not to burst into tears. Anyway, things are good now ^^

Other "big" news is that I finally ORDERED MY SECOND DOLL PRINCE HOMG FOUR DAYS AGO AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN HE GETS HERE BUT I CAN'T WAIT! *twirls* Besides that I also bought my first Pura album, Nega to Posi <3<3<3<3<3 A lot of nice things *nods*

Hmmm, have there been anything else... err.. I got a hold of the Battle Royale book on sale! (in norway there's a huge sale now called Mammut Salget and we have a bookstore right across the cafe and needless to say I spend waaaay too much time over thuuur). It's way different than the movie but still not... There's a few different details which is given since it's two different medias, but the same feeling is still there *nods*. The insane system that allows this and then views it as given and everything. It's all set in an alternative universe where Japan is a Revolutionary State ruling most of the east Asian empire and etc. Rock music and such isn't allowed for instance. And the guy who wins at the end is of course a rocker, lolol. Indicating that YOU CAN'T HOLD US DOWN WE WILL PWN YOUR ASS! And Kiriyama... oh hurr... he has long black hair in the book, and he's so intelligent and quiet (well I haven't gotten to the killing part yeeet) and he's a part of the class. Both the outsider students suddenly showing up in the movie is actually guys from their class who moved over later in the year. Anyway, enough about that I am not spoiling you guys D:

Besides all this I don't really think there's much more to add! Thanks to whoever managed to read through all that crap XD

wooooosh

20 Music Questions

[01] Which bands/artist do you own the most albums by?
Nightwish (9), Dir en grey (6), Tristania (4)

[02] What was the last song you listened to?
Outside by HEAD PHONES PRESIDENT

[03] What's in your CD player right now?
I don't have a CD player

[04] What was the last show you attended?
Girugämesh

[05] What was the greatest show you've ever been to?
Dir en grey

[06] What's the worst show you've ever been to?
I haven't really been to any shitty concerts, it's all about what you make it.

[07] What's the most musically involved you have ever been?
Being in a band ;)

[08] What show are you looking forward to?
Next Dir en grey concert. I swear, it's like a drug.

[09] Yeah....
Yup, totally is.

[10] What is your favorite band shirt?
Dir en grey shirt! And my signed Nightwish shirt that's rotting away in my drawer because I can't use it ;_;

[11] What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?
Shuu <3

[12] Who is one musician or group you wish would make a comeback?
I dunno... I don't think any of my fav bands are in a hiatus right now.

[13] Who is one band/artist you've never seen live but always wanted to?
Plastic Tree at the moment ^^ and Tristania! How could I forget!

[14] Name four or more flawless albums:
o1. Dir en grey - Withering to Death
o2. Dir en grey - THE MARROW OF A BONE
o3. Plastic Tree - Nega to Poji
o4. Tristania - Ashes
o5. Nightwish - Century Child

[15] How many music related videos/DVDs do you own?
I think it's about six or something.

[16] How many concerts/shows have you been to, total?
Not that many... around 11 or 12... heh...

[17] Who have you seen the most live?
Dir en grey

[18] What is your favorite movie soundtrack?
The Lord of the Rings, My Neighbour Totoro, Hero and House of Flying Daggers

[19] What was your last musical "phase" before you wisened up?
Goth I guess... though I still love goth and doom music. I dunno, I never phased anything really, I listened to what I like, and I still do.

[20] What's your "guilty pleasure" that you hate to admit to liking?
Oshare Kei... Kra and SuG FTW! Though, obviously, I am not ashamed to admit XP

Work again

Yup, work again, because nothing else exist in my life right now. My boss from Ice Dream came down to the cafè yesterday and we had a little chat. I gave her my contract and etc. Anyway, I also showed her my hourlist from Clas and told her that I'd be able to switch those hours relatively easy, so she musn't be afraid of setting me up. She looked at it and said that she was surprised at all the hours I had been put up, as I had given the impression I almost didn't work at Clas at all. And I didn't! I hadn't gotten one call since January but when I started at Ice Dream suddenly I get bombarded with calls o_O I say it's because there's so much sickleave now, that I am being called in and I am not expecting it to last for very long. She says that she'll keep that in mind and try to not overlap my days too much; it's ok to work like I have done for a week or so, but much more than that wasn't responsible she said. And we agreed I'd work on Saturday if I didn't work full out, but just from eleven to four, which is really nice of her! ^^

I also felt so contented yesterday! I don't know why... Yesterday, and the day before that has been so... nice o_O I have a project going on, with set goals for once, and this makes working so much easier to handle. It makes working worth something, and it doesn't feel like just awful wasting of time anymore. I work on this project which is my set goal in the future, and work is a means of survival until then. Besides... I have this phobia against wasting time, against not using the time given to me properly, and I am so damn set on making memories. All the time everything I need to do has to be big and grand and lifechangening. But I realized the other day that I AM making memories at my work. I am getting to know a lot of people, I am learning new things, and damn, I am growing as a human. These are times I'm going to remember. Though I do hate the thought of memories >_<, but I hate the thought of not making them even more... yeah anyway, I have come to a state of contentment, and I hope it will last for a bit. (I mean duh, I am one of those infuriating optimistic people. Really... I am! I just sound like an emo sometimes D: ) I think it's spring, I can feel it in the air. Even if it's half a meter of snow outside, the sky is dark clear blue with dotty clouds which only spring brings ^^ And I can smell it in the wind too, the sting of frost is gone, it smells like water now. /end weather rambling.

My days currently only exist of: sleeping, getting up, going to work, work, going home, watching an episode of some anime, go to bed, sleep. And that has been the easy days! You know, only eight hours at a work I know! Anyway, I don't mind this much, it is ok, because I was comforting myself that I had this entire weekend to myself... WRONG!!!!! My Ice Dream boss came to my other job and asked if I could work saturday D: I said I couldn't really, but if she found no others, I'd have to do it. And then she sent me a sms saying that she couldn't find anyone else... BULLSHIT! We're 17 employees at a tiny café and most are students and do SHIT on Saturdays. BULLSHIT no one else could! DAMN! It's just because I am new. And I don't feel like I can say that I can't do it just because I have worked my ass off the last week. After all, it's not her fault I have a second job, and she was really uncertain whether to hire me because of that. ARG! And I begin on Monday again, on a full week full of overlapping days ._. Damn Fadoua having to fall and crush her elbow and get a sick leave for weeks ahead D: Oh well... I like whining to a certain extent, but then I grow tired of myself. I am privileged to have work at all! I have friends who are stuggling to make their ends meet at all because they can't get a job, and here I am with two. And don't get me started on the whole "think about the girls who have to get into prostitution at an age of 12 to support their families blah".

Besides working, I have gotten into reading again ^^ I am currently following Pratchett, I am so sad I didn't discover him before now!! Just because I thought his choice of cover sucked... oh well! Better late then never they say ^^ I also couldn't help myself, but bought yet another book by him yesterday >_> I notice I am still a spontaneous bookshopper...

Waily!

It's half past five in the morning and I am going to work in little under an hour o_O. I'll be doing the same thing tomorrow, and then attend a firepreparation meeting later on in the evening. On Wednesday I will work at the café from ten to six, on Thursday I will first work at Clas Ohlson from seven to three, before working at the café from four to half past nine, aaaand on Friday I work the café from ten to four, before I have to run like hell over to Clas to work there from four to nine o_O

I know for some this is a totally normal week, but I am so unused to working this seems all a bit daunting. But I am set on managing! I need the money, and if other people can do it, then hell, so can I!

*zooms around*

Baaaaaaaaack! (again)

Backuru desu! (<- see my pwning japanese guiz) Soooo, I came back from Sweden the other day, on Tuesday, and started my first day at my new job yesterday, Wedensday. It is ok, I waiter, clean and do the dishes at this cute little café. Well, that is what I am doing at the time being, as apparently all newbies get these "fun" chores when they start. Anyway, the customers there are actually really sweet. It's a place for the older generation of my town to meet up, and they have done so for years and years. They know all the waitresses and was quite keen on learning my name and introducing themselves to me too ^^. And some of the older gents think it's so fun to play young again and hit on me XD Hahaha, apparently I've had more courtiers than anyone else of the waitresses during my first day. I think this is because I have a more 'oldfashioned' appeal, while the other girls have bleached hair/and or a more modern look. I look a hell of a lot like my grandma, and these guys are around her age. I bet many know her and see me in her when she was young (man, she was a girl about town I tell you! She woke up to guys brawling outside her house for who got to ask her out). I remember when I was a kid my grandpa used to take me there with him ^^. So it's really cosy to see some familliar faces. Oh, and the thing with these old gent's flirtation; it's not the least bit uncomfortable. They know it's just a little game and they are so gentelmanly about it. No sleazy pedo attitude or anything ^^, they even ask beforehand if they are allowed.

But yeah! I should be telling you guys all about Sweden! It was awesome, pwned a lot of ass. As you know, I was ill when I left and not too keen on the 6 hour trainride. Lol, half along the way a train ahead of us had managed to drive out of it's track, so we had to change over to bus for a stop and then go back on another train heading for Stockholm. With my luggage and fever, I was soooo not happy about it. I had a LOT of luggage (I always pack everything in sight when I pack... You never know what you might need! D:) and could just feel my temprature rise as I struggled with it XD But when I got on the other train I was a bit happy about it. At least it gave me a break in the long, boring trainride.
Backpackers In, the place we stayed at, was a really cosy place. People from all over the world trekking around, they had loads of stories to tell XD There were also quite a bit of cute Asians thuuur. Including a group of otaku Koreans <3.
The second day there was the signing and the concert. We left like two hours before the signing started, just to check out the line but ended up queueing. It was cold as all get out and I died, but it was nothing compared to the death I'd experience later. While we stood in line there was a lot of official cameras running around filming the line and a radio team came up to have a quick interview with me and Emelie. It went something like this:

How old are you and where are you from?
I'm 19 and from Norway

Wow, that shows a lot of dedication. How long have you been fans?
About one and a half year, a bit more.

How long have you queued here?
For about two hours.

Are you nervous for meeting them?
Nawww, we're just cold.

But you are looking forward to the concert?
Definitely! *goofy grin*

Wow, my two seconds of faaaaaaaaaaaaaame desu! (well, me and Emelie. I'm just such a bad attentionwhore). Anyway, the signing was totally sweet and the guys were lovies. They were really eager and happy. I could go on and on from here, but I'm afraid I'll just start fangirl-ranting and.... none of us want that. I'll just say I got my stuff signed, raped Shuu for a hug and left again.
The concert is somewhat of a blur, and I mostly just remember headbanging, lights, music and Shuu (yeah I am a shuu-whore, you guys mind? D:). Apparently I fainted twice or some, but I can't really remember it. The concert was really good though, I love how they lit the light on Shuu everytime he played a solo... I mean... *cough* I liked how Satoshi managed to talk to the audience in actually quite understandable English. TAKE A LESSON AND LEARN KYO, IT CAN BE DONE!

The day after me and Emelie took a train back to Göteborg, and the same thing happened (had to change train for bus). Just this time we were all stuffed on a too small bus and had to stand there the rest of the way. But we got home eventually!

And wow, I ate SOOO much Sushi there <3

Leaving in a few hours

Yup! Here's me leaving for Sweden again in a few hours ^^

I am dreadfully tired, my head aches and my eyes are burning and yet I haven't managed to get even a tiny bit of sleep. Lately it seems I haven't been able to sleep without some painkillers at all and this has been yet another all nighter without sleep. Last night I didn't fall asleep until six am and woke up around half past ten for later to drag my sorry ass to a job interview. No idea how that went but I got a mail from another place I went to an interview with and they wanted me to start on the 6th. The day after I arrive from Sweden, oh joy. Oh well, I am actually quite happy I managed to bag it ^^

I hope I get to sleep some on the over six hour long trainride tomorrow, just so I am not completely dead meat when I arrive. Though I do usually manage on little sleep pretty well as long as something happens all the time ^^ But if I take a painkiller on the train I have a feeling I'll sleep soundly for at least an hour or so.

Can't wait though!! Not just the concert but the entire trip ^^ Gonna be wai fun!

See you all in a week or so! Take care of yourselves! I don't want to come back and read only about loss and despair on my flist you guys D:

ARG!

Yeah, I am leaving on Tuesday to Stockholm to watch girugämesh together with my friend Emelie. But, always a but, OF COURSE I AM DOWN WITH THE FUCKING FLU!! I am feeling HORRIBLE! I have over 38c in fever, which is normally not that much, but for me who NEVER have fever this is a sensation. If I am not better by Tuesday I am going to smash someone/something's head in... I suppose I'll just have to live on painkillers to try and keep the fever and the headache, throatache and backache away. SO DAMN TYPICAL! I want to be at my fighting best seeing girugämesh, I've been looking forward to this since they announced it .___.

Dude, this disappoints...

Warning: This post might contain slight overreaction towards a happening. Whining and swearing will ensue.

Dir en grey is of course not known as the best dudes when it comes to appreciating and showing concern towards their fans. There are a lot of stories where people feel completely ignored, even after having done a lot to try and make the band feel appreciated. Anyway, in the end it often turns out they're just awkward guys who don’t really know what to do with their new-won and strange fame. They're forgiven, mostly. I mean, it's about the music, we can let go of a lot of weirdeties from them. But... sometimes, it makes it really hard not to quirk and eyebrow and go major WTF-ing of their choice of behaviour towards their fans.

As some of you know, Dir en grey has a fanclub, it's called A knot. There's nothing weird or quirky about that right? Most of these bands do after all. A knot also happens to ONLY be open for people with a Japanese address. People not living in Japan? Well screw you mostly. Anyway, that is not TOO weird either. A bit sour for people who want to join, but still. Now, Dir en grey also happen to like to release a lot of exclusive DVDs for these precious A knot members, which we oversea fans obviously can't get a hold of unless it's illegal. NOW comes what majorly disappoints me and upsets me as a fan. DIR EN GREY RELEASE LIVE DVDS OF THE FOLLOWING FOR A KNOT ONLY:

TOUR06 INWARD SCREAM
TOUR07 INWARD SCREAM (U.S./CANADA)
TOUR07 THE MARROW OF A BONE
TOUR07 THE MARROW OF A BONE -PREMIUM LIVE-
DEFTONES U.S. TOUR 2007
SUMMER with DIR EN GREY and THE FALL OF TROY, Wacken Open Air, Ankkarock Festival, M'era Luna Festival
TOUR 07 DOZING GREEN

Do you guys notice those bolded parts? Yeah? THAT'S THE EFFIN LIVES I WHERE AT! THAT WE WERE AT! OUR MEMORIES, OUR LIVES! THEY HAVE MADE IT FOR A KNOT ONLY! MEANING ONLY THOSE EFFIN PRECIOUS JAPANESE FANS ARE THE ONLY ONES ALLOWED PURCHASING MY AND OUR EXPERIENCES ON A LEGAL DVD!!

Yeah. I never thought I'd feel this insulted by a band. But god damn! Lives to me at least are not just about the band, it's about the band and the fans together. We make something TOGETHER! We share all those feelings and precious moments TOGETHER! We were a part of those lives just as much as they were for fucks sake! How dare they take that away from us? Just to placate their Japanese fans because they are touring overseas? I mean if they can't handle that their pwecious band tour other places than Japan then SCREW THEM. I want my DVD! They can release two for fucks sake, and let us fans be able to have a physical memory of those times. And now The Pledge acoustic version began and the sky is blue and memories are flooding and I miss those days in Denmark and I just want to cry. Fuck them.

Some days I wish a normal life would be enough for me. That this excruciating desire to reach up and beyond wasn't so strong. That it didn't fill every second of my every day existance. Sometimes I wish a mediocre education and a nice job would be enough to get me through. Some days I wish that my want to live every second on the edge didn't overshadow what I do in my present. School is not enough, because I know it is only the beginning of a working life. Work is good, I wish I could work and get gratification out of it. I wish I could go on studying not feeling as if something screamed inside of me every day. I wish I wasn't so full of it, that nothing less but the grandest was good enough.

I wish life wasn't so painful. I am not talking about suffering in life, that things are so bad that it's painful. I am talking about that rush of life that runs through me all the time. That unfulfillment that tears at me so badly I think I am going mad.

I wish that I wasn't such a coward. That I could just up and go, and not worry about the consequences. Knowing I cannot ever be satisfied with a regular job, not of any kind, but still being uncertain whether I will ever gain the heights I want... I don't want to waste it, I don't want to waste my youth or my life. Going every day not getting closer at all. What if I went back to school? What would happen when I was done?

Not what I want. Not what I am supposed to be. Ever since I was a little child I knew that big would never be enough. If this had been a different era I would have been on my way up as an empress.

Do you guys think I have what it takes?

Blue days aren't sad days, but days with blue skies which makes me ache. It's a blue day today.

I need money too. Fuck that.

Not this again

Mothereffin winter needs to end. I must have spring NOW! This is not a discussion issue...I can't handle this fucking winter. I can't take the darkness, the coldness, the wetness and the lack of life... fuck if spring would just come... Every winter I am reduced to nothing but a pale, shrunken, ill looking, aggressive and worst of all, depressive thing which can't even be considered human. I can't deal. I just can't deal...