Some days I wish a normal life would be enough for me. That this excruciating desire to reach up and beyond wasn't so strong. That it didn't fill every second of my every day existance. Sometimes I wish a mediocre education and a nice job would be enough to get me through. Some days I wish that my want to live every second on the edge didn't overshadow what I do in my present. School is not enough, because I know it is only the beginning of a working life. Work is good, I wish I could work and get gratification out of it. I wish I could go on studying not feeling as if something screamed inside of me every day. I wish I wasn't so full of it, that nothing less but the grandest was good enough.

I wish life wasn't so painful. I am not talking about suffering in life, that things are so bad that it's painful. I am talking about that rush of life that runs through me all the time. That unfulfillment that tears at me so badly I think I am going mad.

I wish that I wasn't such a coward. That I could just up and go, and not worry about the consequences. Knowing I cannot ever be satisfied with a regular job, not of any kind, but still being uncertain whether I will ever gain the heights I want... I don't want to waste it, I don't want to waste my youth or my life. Going every day not getting closer at all. What if I went back to school? What would happen when I was done?

Not what I want. Not what I am supposed to be. Ever since I was a little child I knew that big would never be enough. If this had been a different era I would have been on my way up as an empress.

Do you guys think I have what it takes?

Blue days aren't sad days, but days with blue skies which makes me ache. It's a blue day today.

I need money too. Fuck that.