Friday 30 October 2009
"God is in the TV"
There's a reason I don't watch much TV.
Lately I have been really exhausted in my head, and I can't find peace. There's a sort of continious burst of creativity, and I like it. It's the first time in a long while and I hope it will keep. I feed on compliments and encouragement, and that's not something I get a lot from my teachers. Like in the dance play we saw: "one negative comment will render the hat ugly". That's how my writing is. They can brag it into the sky, still one single "but" will crash it to the ground and make all my efforts worthless.
I don't even know why others opinion on my writing is so important to me. It shouldn't be. I should write singularily for my own pleasure. It's just that I hand myself out in my writing, I feel too much that it's me they're critiquing. Besides, writing has always been my forte. My ace. My playground. Whenever I get the impression that I don't control it, it feels like all I stand for is just an illusion I have given myself.
Maybe one day I will be sure enough in myself that others opinion doesn't count, but that's not yet.
On an almost entierly different note: I saw a book on accident in the library called Beijing Baby. The name and bright coloured cover caught me at once, and reading the reviews it seemed interesting. It's a biography written by a 17 year old girl in Beijing, and how it is like being young there. It's interesting that even though we grew up in so different environments; our frame of minds are so similar. Or at least, the frame of mind I had at that age. My hatred for school, for any bonds forced upon me. My exhaustion, how finding energy to break free, to find something else, seemed impossible. Not to forget worthless. How we both surrounded ourselves in filth, depression and disgust because it seemed like the only choice we had.Her grungy and careless way of writing is somehow very inspirational. I love it. Its hard without any compromises, just like the youth. It's in that age we learn how to build those iron walls, those fortresses that no one can break down, ever. Not that anyone is interested. If they had been there would have been a lot less loneliness growing up.
Being here at school with so many people who're just out of upper secondary reminds me so much of how I was myself. Two years out of school has given me a hell of a lot. I didn't realize until just now, recently. I am a completely different person.
If this is good or bad, I don't know. Mostly it's just inevitable.
Thursday 29 October 2009
Life
It's a lonely day and the only light comes from the world outside
with the clear blue sky and promises- the sun shines bright
The days go by, one by one and I feel caught
This is my sixth cup of tea and I wonder-
about the world and every human in it
where do they go at the end of a day?
what do they think at the end of a day?
For in the end I just want to know if
everyone are just as lonely and lost- just as terrified to let go
The planes fly high overhead and the cars drive by
All I hear are the murmurs in my head
the fragile peace breaking and shattering
fragments of belief being washed away- what do I do?
So I lean back and I stare at the big sky
feeling powerless to change, but I'll continue on
It's an indescribable day and the only hope comes from the world outside
with the melting snow and promises- the mind shines bright
Life flows by, second for second and I feel caught
with the clear blue sky and promises- the sun shines bright
The days go by, one by one and I feel caught
This is my sixth cup of tea and I wonder-
about the world and every human in it
where do they go at the end of a day?
what do they think at the end of a day?
For in the end I just want to know if
everyone are just as lonely and lost- just as terrified to let go
The planes fly high overhead and the cars drive by
All I hear are the murmurs in my head
the fragile peace breaking and shattering
fragments of belief being washed away- what do I do?
So I lean back and I stare at the big sky
feeling powerless to change, but I'll continue on
It's an indescribable day and the only hope comes from the world outside
with the melting snow and promises- the mind shines bright
Life flows by, second for second and I feel caught
Falling in love
I'm skipping school again. It's such a bad habit! I skipped school yesterday too. It's just that... well, I'm so used to spending my time the way I want, and sometimes when I am in the creative corner I need time to write. It's not something I can just postpone when it's really knocking on my door. These classes I am skipping usually go on way beyond the time they're supposed to, and so I lose valuable time.
Instead of going to classes I went into Bergen again. There are many ways to fall in love, and this autumn I have really fallen in love with a lot of things. I've fallen in love with people, with the idea of falling love, and with Bergen. The latter is perhaps the most giving, this city loves me back. It's such a wonderful love story. Sometimes I take the bus a few stops more than I have to, just so I can sit and stare at her beauty. She's so gorgeous, so open and so giving. It's possible to grasp her in a way I could grasp neither Oslo or Gothenburg. I'm not so certain about the people living there, but the city in herself is fantastic. Even on those gray, heavy days she's beautiful. Now that she's bathed in the brilliant hues of burning red and glowing orange she's so romantic I lose my breath.
Before I couldn't fathom continuing to live in Norway, but I could really see myself here in Bergen many years ahead. It's a strange thought, but I like it. I feel grounded. I don't want to say for certain that's what's going to happen, though, I wanted to stay in Gothenburg too after all.
But now I am off to writing. I need to write a short story, something for the school news paper and a few letters. I'm tired though.
Wednesday 28 October 2009
I'm diving-
A new person is already moving into Jeanette's old room. It's a person whom we're all a bit apprehensive about, for many reasons. I'm not entierly happy about having to share a bathroom with a stranger, changing our queues and everything. It had just gotten so nice!
On a happier note this Halloween will be awesome. Everyone's planning on going into Bergen and partying it up at Hula (the cave). We've rented a hotelroom where we're gonna crash afterward. I was really uncertain whether to go as a Zombie or a Zombie-killer. Eventually I decided on vampire like everyone else. Oh the originality.
So because of Halloween we went into Åsane (the "centrum"... it's like... a shopping mall?) and shopped. In the end I've skipped so much boat license course that I wont pass so I don't really care following it up either.
It was nice going out, away from school, with people and just do different things. I spent way too much money I haven't got, as usual, on make up. Bad addiction that.
At around eight the entire school stuffed themselves into two busses and we traveled into Bergen to see a dance show. I must say, it was a really impressive play even if our teacher had told us before hand not to have any expectations. I cried and I laughed, all at the same time. I found myself laughing at parts I found horrifying, and crying at a lobster telling about how he tried to find himself.
They took up a lot of good keys concerning women and their self-feeling. How we dress to make other people jealous, how jealousy is a sign of victory. That we feel flattered by compliments, but just one dimutive critic can crush us completely. A hat is ugly if only one person says something negative about it.
I wanted to write a lot about just this play and what I thought, but I'm sort of tired and distracted at the moment.
And Andrea just nearly threw up choking on her fake vampire teeth so I gotta go xD Never a boring day.
On a happier note this Halloween will be awesome. Everyone's planning on going into Bergen and partying it up at Hula (the cave). We've rented a hotelroom where we're gonna crash afterward. I was really uncertain whether to go as a Zombie or a Zombie-killer. Eventually I decided on vampire like everyone else. Oh the originality.
So because of Halloween we went into Åsane (the "centrum"... it's like... a shopping mall?) and shopped. In the end I've skipped so much boat license course that I wont pass so I don't really care following it up either.
It was nice going out, away from school, with people and just do different things. I spent way too much money I haven't got, as usual, on make up. Bad addiction that.
At around eight the entire school stuffed themselves into two busses and we traveled into Bergen to see a dance show. I must say, it was a really impressive play even if our teacher had told us before hand not to have any expectations. I cried and I laughed, all at the same time. I found myself laughing at parts I found horrifying, and crying at a lobster telling about how he tried to find himself.
They took up a lot of good keys concerning women and their self-feeling. How we dress to make other people jealous, how jealousy is a sign of victory. That we feel flattered by compliments, but just one dimutive critic can crush us completely. A hat is ugly if only one person says something negative about it.
I wanted to write a lot about just this play and what I thought, but I'm sort of tired and distracted at the moment.
And Andrea just nearly threw up choking on her fake vampire teeth so I gotta go xD Never a boring day.
Tuesday 27 October 2009
The tea is just a bit too hot
Time's been running away from me again. Last week went away so incredibly fast, and for some reason it feels like I was somewhere else. I've started losing snippets of my days again. I hope it's not something to do with the continuous need I have for sleep. Most probably not, I'm just distracted.
Some days I just want to put on a mask before I go outside. For obvious reasons I can't, and so I put on so much make up it's difficult to smile. It doesn't help much, and so I wrap a scarf around my neck and pull my hat down low. But then someone come with a nice little compliment at the right time and I feel good again. Ah, I am such an attention whore. I wonder how I will ever survive just with my own strength.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the kind of person who just steals everyone's energy.
Yesterday we sat a little group on the floor by the tea-kitchen and discussed auras, orbs, energy and guardian angels. I'm surprised at how open people are, and that I have even found a healer in my own dorm. It's sort of uncomfortable talking about it, and I feel really naked when they ask me to read their auras or talk about the guardians. I'm so scared I'll be seen as a crazy ass bitch. Me and Princess Märtha! Yeah we've got it going real good.
It's one thing talking about it with my family, who all have the same and been through the same as me, but strangers? No, this is something I've hidden so tight in me, and not until the last couple of years started to explore constructively. It's becoming easier though, hearing, seeing and feeling, I understand more. Colours of auras are still a bit of a mystery to me. I don't know whether the colours and energies are something that objectively means something, or if it's all to my subjective interpretation. Why are some people black, a few golden, but so many blue? I don't know, and I don't know whether reading about it will help either, seeing as I don't trust anyone on it.
The ghost in our dorm has been really active lately. I think it's because of the failing electrical circuit. It's been more dangerous than many understand, but I have a feeling it's the ghost that's been cutting the electricity every time the circuit has gone bad. But as per usual, it's all guesswork.
What's most urgent is my writing, to be honest. If I'd been smart I'd blog in Norwegian, just to practice, but it would feel so strange.
Hmmm, I feel like being really nice to someone. Like giving them a hug or something?
Thus far October in Bergen has been fantastic weatherwise. People always associate October with rain, and I don't understand where they get that from. I can't remember an October that's not been full of colour, sun and a dark blue fathomless sky.
I'll go give that person a hug now.
Some days I just want to put on a mask before I go outside. For obvious reasons I can't, and so I put on so much make up it's difficult to smile. It doesn't help much, and so I wrap a scarf around my neck and pull my hat down low. But then someone come with a nice little compliment at the right time and I feel good again. Ah, I am such an attention whore. I wonder how I will ever survive just with my own strength.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the kind of person who just steals everyone's energy.
Yesterday we sat a little group on the floor by the tea-kitchen and discussed auras, orbs, energy and guardian angels. I'm surprised at how open people are, and that I have even found a healer in my own dorm. It's sort of uncomfortable talking about it, and I feel really naked when they ask me to read their auras or talk about the guardians. I'm so scared I'll be seen as a crazy ass bitch. Me and Princess Märtha! Yeah we've got it going real good.
It's one thing talking about it with my family, who all have the same and been through the same as me, but strangers? No, this is something I've hidden so tight in me, and not until the last couple of years started to explore constructively. It's becoming easier though, hearing, seeing and feeling, I understand more. Colours of auras are still a bit of a mystery to me. I don't know whether the colours and energies are something that objectively means something, or if it's all to my subjective interpretation. Why are some people black, a few golden, but so many blue? I don't know, and I don't know whether reading about it will help either, seeing as I don't trust anyone on it.
The ghost in our dorm has been really active lately. I think it's because of the failing electrical circuit. It's been more dangerous than many understand, but I have a feeling it's the ghost that's been cutting the electricity every time the circuit has gone bad. But as per usual, it's all guesswork.
What's most urgent is my writing, to be honest. If I'd been smart I'd blog in Norwegian, just to practice, but it would feel so strange.
Hmmm, I feel like being really nice to someone. Like giving them a hug or something?
Thus far October in Bergen has been fantastic weatherwise. People always associate October with rain, and I don't understand where they get that from. I can't remember an October that's not been full of colour, sun and a dark blue fathomless sky.
I'll go give that person a hug now.
Monday 26 October 2009
Green and yellow flowers-
- are what's on the cup I got from Jeanette today. It's made so I can have hot or cold drinks in it, and it will keep it's temperature. I can now drink coffee all day. I'll think of her every time I take a sip of it.
Now it sounds like she's died, which she hasn't, but she left us today never the less. She decided that school didn't give her what she needed, and today she packed her bags and left.
It was a strange feeling, seeing the car drive out from the parking lot at high speed with her in it. I really couldn't keep my tears back. I have only known her for two months. There are people I've known my entire life and I couldn't care less to see leave, but for some reason it's harder to accept this.
Luckily there's people who see and understand, and when you feel that you're at the bottom, arms will suddenly embrace you and keep you going.
On that positive note I can also say I feel more sure of myself. Safer. Not so scared of how I should or shouldn't act. A lot of it, I think, is because I've stopped caring about what certain people would think. Why I ever believed I had to change to gain their attention is beyond me now. Fuck that. I am my own, whimsical, loudmouthed, perverted and attention-seeking self.
But it's not been all negative. I've learned that I can care, show that I actually care, about people. And even if it hurts, it's the sort of raw pain that feels good.
Sunday 25 October 2009
Today I am wearing eyeliner for the first time in a long time
I haven't updated this blog in ages. A bit because we have had a really unstable internet connection, but mostly because stuff has been going down all the time. I've never really been good at writing when I am unfocused because of new thoughts, feelings and happenings.
Starting school again has been... turbulent. To say the least. Now, after two months, I am still not sure whether I'll be able to handle it properly. Most days are good, but some are pretty bad. Thanks to good people, though, I always get up on the horse again.
I'm caught between the feeling of safety (I have a place to be, I know where my money come from, and I know where they're going) and feeling caught. I can't leave when I want, I can't do what I want and I can't go wherever I want.
At the moment I am worried about how I will take this when the deep of winter comes and my winter depressions sets in. Spring will be the worst part. I always feel like moving around March... luckily there's so much happening at that the time, I won't have much time to reflect on it. Besides, I've already come to love the people here so much I will be more focused on missing them.
That is also something... Coming here I figured it was a nice opportunity to try out this "being open and trusting people" business. I told myself that finally I'd allow myself to fall in love, care for people, show sympathy and depend on people. It's all really difficult, I am still working on it... I got really far but then I got burned and I feel now I am busy building up all those walls again. Before I'd spend every second around other people, now I use any opportunity I got to sneak away and sleep. Sleep, sleep and sleep. It feels like if I allow myself to fall into depression now I have lost a really important battle. I am fighting myself and my silly notions at all times and I am getting really tired. It feels like that no matter how much I sleep it's not enough. But like I said, most days goes better now.
I'm probably just silly, and this post was meant to be a recapture of everything that's happened besides.
At this school we have many different classes we can attend. Chinese, visual arts, scenic art, music and vocal, latin america, horse and competition, international solidarity work and writing. I, as I think I've mentioned before, chose the latter.
Here is my class:
(lftrt) Harald (who got cut out of the picture), Kristine, Lindea, Kristine, Tonje, Caroline, Annika, Matias, Julia, Me, Anne, Ida and Torhild (who has quit)
Up until now we've been working on drabbles, short stories and playwrights. At the moment we're in the middle of writing movie manuscripts and it's so much fun! So far this has definitely been my favourite thing to do.
Classes are hard, I feel it's difficult extinguishing myself enough to make the teachers notice me. I don't really know what I have to do to earn that extra gratifying nod. One thing I know though, I won't stop until they realize that I am the star of the class. My competition spirit is not to be trifled with, neither is it something I am able to stop...
But, you also gain a lot of good friends here. I am still a bit insecure about them, which is highly unusual for me, but I hope that by time I'll be able to feel them properly. I am getting there with Anne, my room-mate, but there are plenty of other people I long to get close to. It's just that there's a barrier there, somewhere, and sometimes it even physically hurts that I can't hold them close to me. Feel them on my soul so to speak. I really want that. I really hope it will end like that.
There are some people that makes my heart and spirit soar whenever they enter the room. I want to just jump up from my chair and throw my arms around them, feel them hug me hard enough back that my bones ache. I think they can see it on the smile on my face, my eyes lighting up. Though, they haven't known me long enough to know this is what it entails. If I care about you, I care about you with every fibre of my being.
There are Sondre and Markus, two of the most charming and lovable boys you could ever encounter.
Anne, as mentioned, my roomie. With her calm and caring nature I bless every day I get to have her as my room-mate. She's also one of the few people I always regret being mean to.
Anne, Linda and Torgeir whom I have grown strangely attached to. Torgeir is always rational, kind and he light up the same way when he sees me, as I do when I see him.
There are a hundred more people I should mention, such as Andrea and more, but I'm lazy and I have a feeling I will talk a lot about them in the time ahead. There is nothing as important to me as the humans I live around, even if it might be hard for them to see that. Every minute of the day and night I spend thinking about them, caring about them or being hurt that I am not around them the way I want to be. I wish I could go over to them and give them a long tight hug without them wondering what is up. I wish I could curl up into them and snuggle, tight tight tight.
There are a lot of moments we have together. Like here is Sondre, me, Annika and Caroline at a disco party arranged by the school. We know how to have a good with without alcohol-
-and with alcohol. I've had my heart broken a thousand times over already at the parties that goes down outside the school gates.
So, in the moments I panick, wondering what I am doing here, why people don't give me a hug or a kiss, why the calm I managed to attain the past year is disappearing, why I feel like I am getting teared up inside, why my fire is smouldering as it at the same time keep exploding over and over again... in those moment I should just remember that before I was so alone there wasn't even someone there I could long for.
I've opened my heart to people for the first time in many years. I've also fallen in love for the first time since... well. For the first time. It hurts so much I swear someone must have been cutting open my heart, must be clawing at my lungs, must be pulling the spine out of my back but... It's a victory that I've allowed myself falling in love at all. I feel really vulnerable, raw, like my skin have been rubbed off of me. But it's good. It's all good.
Starting school again has been... turbulent. To say the least. Now, after two months, I am still not sure whether I'll be able to handle it properly. Most days are good, but some are pretty bad. Thanks to good people, though, I always get up on the horse again.
I'm caught between the feeling of safety (I have a place to be, I know where my money come from, and I know where they're going) and feeling caught. I can't leave when I want, I can't do what I want and I can't go wherever I want.
At the moment I am worried about how I will take this when the deep of winter comes and my winter depressions sets in. Spring will be the worst part. I always feel like moving around March... luckily there's so much happening at that the time, I won't have much time to reflect on it. Besides, I've already come to love the people here so much I will be more focused on missing them.
That is also something... Coming here I figured it was a nice opportunity to try out this "being open and trusting people" business. I told myself that finally I'd allow myself to fall in love, care for people, show sympathy and depend on people. It's all really difficult, I am still working on it... I got really far but then I got burned and I feel now I am busy building up all those walls again. Before I'd spend every second around other people, now I use any opportunity I got to sneak away and sleep. Sleep, sleep and sleep. It feels like if I allow myself to fall into depression now I have lost a really important battle. I am fighting myself and my silly notions at all times and I am getting really tired. It feels like that no matter how much I sleep it's not enough. But like I said, most days goes better now.
I'm probably just silly, and this post was meant to be a recapture of everything that's happened besides.
At this school we have many different classes we can attend. Chinese, visual arts, scenic art, music and vocal, latin america, horse and competition, international solidarity work and writing. I, as I think I've mentioned before, chose the latter.
Here is my class:
(lftrt) Harald (who got cut out of the picture), Kristine, Lindea, Kristine, Tonje, Caroline, Annika, Matias, Julia, Me, Anne, Ida and Torhild (who has quit)
Up until now we've been working on drabbles, short stories and playwrights. At the moment we're in the middle of writing movie manuscripts and it's so much fun! So far this has definitely been my favourite thing to do.
Classes are hard, I feel it's difficult extinguishing myself enough to make the teachers notice me. I don't really know what I have to do to earn that extra gratifying nod. One thing I know though, I won't stop until they realize that I am the star of the class. My competition spirit is not to be trifled with, neither is it something I am able to stop...
But, you also gain a lot of good friends here. I am still a bit insecure about them, which is highly unusual for me, but I hope that by time I'll be able to feel them properly. I am getting there with Anne, my room-mate, but there are plenty of other people I long to get close to. It's just that there's a barrier there, somewhere, and sometimes it even physically hurts that I can't hold them close to me. Feel them on my soul so to speak. I really want that. I really hope it will end like that.
There are some people that makes my heart and spirit soar whenever they enter the room. I want to just jump up from my chair and throw my arms around them, feel them hug me hard enough back that my bones ache. I think they can see it on the smile on my face, my eyes lighting up. Though, they haven't known me long enough to know this is what it entails. If I care about you, I care about you with every fibre of my being.
There are Sondre and Markus, two of the most charming and lovable boys you could ever encounter.
Anne, as mentioned, my roomie. With her calm and caring nature I bless every day I get to have her as my room-mate. She's also one of the few people I always regret being mean to.
Anne, Linda and Torgeir whom I have grown strangely attached to. Torgeir is always rational, kind and he light up the same way when he sees me, as I do when I see him.
There are a hundred more people I should mention, such as Andrea and more, but I'm lazy and I have a feeling I will talk a lot about them in the time ahead. There is nothing as important to me as the humans I live around, even if it might be hard for them to see that. Every minute of the day and night I spend thinking about them, caring about them or being hurt that I am not around them the way I want to be. I wish I could go over to them and give them a long tight hug without them wondering what is up. I wish I could curl up into them and snuggle, tight tight tight.
There are a lot of moments we have together. Like here is Sondre, me, Annika and Caroline at a disco party arranged by the school. We know how to have a good with without alcohol-
-and with alcohol. I've had my heart broken a thousand times over already at the parties that goes down outside the school gates.
So, in the moments I panick, wondering what I am doing here, why people don't give me a hug or a kiss, why the calm I managed to attain the past year is disappearing, why I feel like I am getting teared up inside, why my fire is smouldering as it at the same time keep exploding over and over again... in those moment I should just remember that before I was so alone there wasn't even someone there I could long for.
I've opened my heart to people for the first time in many years. I've also fallen in love for the first time since... well. For the first time. It hurts so much I swear someone must have been cutting open my heart, must be clawing at my lungs, must be pulling the spine out of my back but... It's a victory that I've allowed myself falling in love at all. I feel really vulnerable, raw, like my skin have been rubbed off of me. But it's good. It's all good.
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