Starting school again has been... turbulent. To say the least. Now, after two months, I am still not sure whether I'll be able to handle it properly. Most days are good, but some are pretty bad. Thanks to good people, though, I always get up on the horse again.
I'm caught between the feeling of safety (I have a place to be, I know where my money come from, and I know where they're going) and feeling caught. I can't leave when I want, I can't do what I want and I can't go wherever I want.
At the moment I am worried about how I will take this when the deep of winter comes and my winter depressions sets in. Spring will be the worst part. I always feel like moving around March... luckily there's so much happening at that the time, I won't have much time to reflect on it. Besides, I've already come to love the people here so much I will be more focused on missing them.
That is also something... Coming here I figured it was a nice opportunity to try out this "being open and trusting people" business. I told myself that finally I'd allow myself to fall in love, care for people, show sympathy and depend on people. It's all really difficult, I am still working on it... I got really far but then I got burned and I feel now I am busy building up all those walls again. Before I'd spend every second around other people, now I use any opportunity I got to sneak away and sleep. Sleep, sleep and sleep. It feels like if I allow myself to fall into depression now I have lost a really important battle. I am fighting myself and my silly notions at all times and I am getting really tired. It feels like that no matter how much I sleep it's not enough. But like I said, most days goes better now.
I'm probably just silly, and this post was meant to be a recapture of everything that's happened besides.
At this school we have many different classes we can attend. Chinese, visual arts, scenic art, music and vocal, latin america, horse and competition, international solidarity work and writing. I, as I think I've mentioned before, chose the latter.
Here is my class:
(lftrt) Harald (who got cut out of the picture), Kristine, Lindea, Kristine, Tonje, Caroline, Annika, Matias, Julia, Me, Anne, Ida and Torhild (who has quit)
Up until now we've been working on drabbles, short stories and playwrights. At the moment we're in the middle of writing movie manuscripts and it's so much fun! So far this has definitely been my favourite thing to do.
Classes are hard, I feel it's difficult extinguishing myself enough to make the teachers notice me. I don't really know what I have to do to earn that extra gratifying nod. One thing I know though, I won't stop until they realize that I am the star of the class. My competition spirit is not to be trifled with, neither is it something I am able to stop...
But, you also gain a lot of good friends here. I am still a bit insecure about them, which is highly unusual for me, but I hope that by time I'll be able to feel them properly. I am getting there with Anne, my room-mate, but there are plenty of other people I long to get close to. It's just that there's a barrier there, somewhere, and sometimes it even physically hurts that I can't hold them close to me. Feel them on my soul so to speak. I really want that. I really hope it will end like that.
There are some people that makes my heart and spirit soar whenever they enter the room. I want to just jump up from my chair and throw my arms around them, feel them hug me hard enough back that my bones ache. I think they can see it on the smile on my face, my eyes lighting up. Though, they haven't known me long enough to know this is what it entails. If I care about you, I care about you with every fibre of my being.
There are Sondre and Markus, two of the most charming and lovable boys you could ever encounter.
Anne, as mentioned, my roomie. With her calm and caring nature I bless every day I get to have her as my room-mate. She's also one of the few people I always regret being mean to.
Anne, Linda and Torgeir whom I have grown strangely attached to. Torgeir is always rational, kind and he light up the same way when he sees me, as I do when I see him.
There are a hundred more people I should mention, such as Andrea and more, but I'm lazy and I have a feeling I will talk a lot about them in the time ahead. There is nothing as important to me as the humans I live around, even if it might be hard for them to see that. Every minute of the day and night I spend thinking about them, caring about them or being hurt that I am not around them the way I want to be. I wish I could go over to them and give them a long tight hug without them wondering what is up. I wish I could curl up into them and snuggle, tight tight tight.
There are a lot of moments we have together. Like here is Sondre, me, Annika and Caroline at a disco party arranged by the school. We know how to have a good with without alcohol-
-and with alcohol. I've had my heart broken a thousand times over already at the parties that goes down outside the school gates.
So, in the moments I panick, wondering what I am doing here, why people don't give me a hug or a kiss, why the calm I managed to attain the past year is disappearing, why I feel like I am getting teared up inside, why my fire is smouldering as it at the same time keep exploding over and over again... in those moment I should just remember that before I was so alone there wasn't even someone there I could long for.
I've opened my heart to people for the first time in many years. I've also fallen in love for the first time since... well. For the first time. It hurts so much I swear someone must have been cutting open my heart, must be clawing at my lungs, must be pulling the spine out of my back but... It's a victory that I've allowed myself falling in love at all. I feel really vulnerable, raw, like my skin have been rubbed off of me. But it's good. It's all good.
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