After years of the illusion that my mother is actually a good person, after a good time of waking up I have come to the realisation that I despise her. I have to act properly towards her because we do live together and I don't want to live on a minefield, but now I just can't keep back my dislike anymore.

This weekend I was in Sweden as you all know, and before I went my mother told me that she would give me a bit of money to go by. Very kind yes? Yes I think so too, and I was positively surprised about it. So I assumed accordingly that I would have a bit extra to spend and bought the new LOVELSS mangas without much concern plus went out with my friend to eat sushi and such. Then as I was taking out money on Saturday I got a nasty surprise, my bank account was empty. I supposed then that I had managed to waste more money than I was aware, and was surprised by this. On Monday I got a call from her and she was wondering when my train would arrive in Oslo on Tuesday. I used this opportunity to ask whether she had given me the money or not, and if so how much. She said then that she presumed that since I had spent my money already, that my money mustn’t have come in yet because I was in a different country. I blew her lying bubble then by telling her that it didn't matter whether I was in a different country since my bank account was in Norway! She then grew silent and I asked her why she had lied and she said that had been stupid of her. Anyway, I had grown really irritated by then, because not only had she not put in the money she said she was going to, but she had LIED about doing it (this she excused by giving me the blame because it was so uncomfortable to tell me about such things because I get so angry). I told her then that I wouldn't be angry if she had just stopped LYING and that it would have been a much greater help if she had sent me a message telling she had not been able to give me the money so that I could have spent them differently. I now have no money until next payday.
And this is not the only time she has done something like this. When I came home from Finland last time I found out she had taken 300NOK without asking. She complained that this was the rent since I hadn't given it to her. I by then only owed her 200NOK in rent and she can't just TAKE it before the month is over! It's my money, I don't have much of it and I need to be able to distribute it myself! She complains I have no control of my money, but of course I haven't when she keeps taking it and lying about it!
I confronted her about it today and she of course had the NERVE to get offended! She says it's my own fault because I am so greedy with my money and yell at her when she asks. I have NEVER done such a thing. I have always let her borrow my money, even when I have been short of it myself. She says I am an independent adult now, and I think as an independent adult I should be allowed to say no when I do not have the opportunity of lending out my money. It's not like she pays it back and I do really not earn that much money to begin with.
The lies and the way she tries to blame it on me makes me so mad I hardly know what to do anymore. Of course I want to move out, but I can't just do that with such an uncertain job as I have now. I am saving as much as I can though, and am looking for an apartment together with my friend, but these things do take some time.
And it's not only the money that makes me sick of her. It's her spineless and cowardly way of living. She always blames everything on everyone else, and hides behind the fact that she has asthma. Yes excuse me, I actually feel worse for the little kids in kindergarten suffering from that than her! It is heavy I know, but it's not CRIPPLING her in such a degree as she would like to think. If she had used the resources she actually has instead of just locking herself inside choosing to blame the world I would have been much more forgiving. And as you might remember the argument with my uncle a few posts back? Yes its things like that too. She never takes my stance in these things, she always either ignore the fact that I am being attacked or she takes the other person's stance. ESPECIALLY with my uncle. It always flabbergasts me when she comes to me afterwards telling me all about how she agrees with me. YES THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE IF YOU HAD ACTUALLY TAKEN MY PARTY WHEN IT COUNTS!

She is nothing but a spineless bitch and I have had enough of her. She's the opposite of me in everything. Spineless, afraid of confrontation and she lies and manipulates while blaming me for doing the same! I haven't taken her money, I haven't lied about it, I haven't tried to get the other people in the family to work against her. Like she has done to me countless of times.

As soon as I move out, I think I will cut contact with her for a long time. She told me today that I needn't count on her to help me anymore anyway. Thanks bitch. 19 years with her has been 19 years too long. As of today I consider myself more or less an orphan (as in not having any parents to rely on. I still do have a pretty nice family though).

Yo,

So, as I told you all about in the last post, I had a huge argument with my uncle. And as I also said, my mother had a go at me afterwards because she had apparently struggled so hard to maintain a decent relationship with him and now I had ruined it all. First of all, if he breaks his relationship with her because he had an argument with me he's nothing but a retard. Secondly,who bothers to struggle to have a relationship with anyone? If you can only have a decent conversation by kissing ass then what's the bloody point?
But as this family goes, this story was all over the place within minutes after it had happened, and my mother was all up in her skirts about me having alienated the entire family. She felt I owed her, my sister (wtf? why her?) and my uncle and apology because of my bad behaviour. I personally do NOT feel like I'm the one owing anyone anything, because my uncle was acting like a fucking bastard. We were talking about my unlucky flight from Finland and my mother said causally that such a happening was awful for someone with as much fright for flying as me. But then the fucking bastard managed to say that if I had really had a fear of flight I wouldn't have been flying to begin with. Oh my god I have never been so angry in my entire life. The fact that he fucking TRIVIALIZED that fear made me want to smash my tea cup in his face and use it to cut the fucking bitch up. I couldn't fucking sleep or even EAT for DAYS afterwards and I still sleep fitfully and have heavy blue bags underneath my eyes. When I was out walking the dog a few days ago I looked up at a plane flying overhead of me and grew so dizzy at the mere sight I had to sit down in the middle of the road. And there the bastard sits, saying that I don't really have a fear of flights? Oh my god I hope he regrets it.
Anyway, he ran to my grandmother at once to tell her all about it, and usually she would have run to the rest of the family and it would have been the talk of the month ahead. But strangely enough, my grandmother told my uncle and my mum that they were the ones owing me an apology, and not the other way around.

This makes me really pleased.

And as some of you may or may not have noticed, my net has been really fucked lately. Thankfully my cousin dropped by today to fix it so now I'm properly online again. Yay.

Fuck I hate my family sometimes. I was just in a huge row with my uncle which prompted my mum in having a go at me too. I'm just so fucking fed up with my uncle and his bitchy attitude, I just told him to shut the hell up. This of course made him go completely nuts and he started to call me names, which of course made my tempre go through the roof. Eventually he literally ran from he house as we were about to get physical in the fight. Then my mother was all up in her skirts about it because I had apparently "crossed a line". Never mind that he's been bulldozing all over mine for YEARS. Today I just snapped, and I don't regret a fucking thing I said. Only thing I regret is not saying it all, not that I think it would go through to him at all.

But often times when I lose my tempre I also lose control of myself and "me" sort of disappears. I noticed afterwards as the argument had ebbed off that I got very disoriented and started wondering which day it was. Which is a clear sign I had lost myself completely again. I thought I had become better at regaining control of "me" during these situations, but now I snapped.

Anyway, I got so riled up I just shoveled down a handful of painkillers to calm down my nerves and now I'm very fuzzy in my head. All typos here are due to that I think, as I don't really see what I'm typing and I can't feel my hands.

I'd like to say I'm still pissed, but I'm too... err drugged down for that right now. I'm still mad though, somewhere inside. I'll most probably feel it again tomorrow.

Fuck I hate people sometimes. It'll be soooo great to move out of here. When I finally manage to get my ass to Sweden I won't ever look back I think.

Lol, Honey Vanity by Közi just came on XD how fitting.

Back from Finland trip

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I'm back! And things are feeling strange... changes are going to be made. Today I spent the day cleaning out my room. I got five huge black plasticbags full of shit!! God. Cleaning out all those memories while listening to the more emotional dir en grey songs was... quite an experience, I must say.

The concerts were of course... indescribable. We had initially planned to only go to one live, but on sunday we decided to drop by and see if we could buy some t-shirts. The security guard thingy said they had some more tickets left, and OF COURSE we bought them. So instead of shirts we got an entire concert!! I didn't see shit, but I don't mind because I got to headbang a lot and of course listen to the music. They played songs like Deity and 24ko Cylinders, which took me totally by surprise. They seemed to be in a relatively good mood, but not too excited. Kyo didn't even take of his shirt or stand on his box thingy. Toshiya did come over to the edge of the stage where we were standing and rocked quite a bit. He threw his mike stand about and had a great time.

The second concert was much better, I think personally. They played all my favourites from MARROW OF A BONE plus Obscure, Shokubeni and Kodou (which is one of my all time favourites). During Kodou I broke down completely, and I think my scream was louder than Kyo's. This time he did take off his shirt, but had it over his head so it covered his face during Shokubeni (the song is about closing off from the world and denying to see what's around you). He sang his Shokubeni solo, and I never thought I'd get to hear that live, it was fucking amazing. Besides, he didn't cut or fishook at ALL during any of the lives, which just makes me so happy. Sadly since I was standing in front of Kyo during the second concert, I didn't really see any of the others. Kyo did his hip dance SO sexily btw.... Not that that's what matters of course *cough* >_>. Anyway, instead of beating his heart with his mike as he use to, he now beats his head... which.. y'know. I don't think he shall be destroying the few braincells he has left, but that might just be me. During the three last songs we stood right in front of Kyo on third row. We were headbanging and trashing around so badly that we had gotten a meter's worth of space because the other guys had backed off. Looking up, Kyo was staring at us and we gave him the metal sign and continued to trash, and he just flipped and trashed until he fell off his box. I love him. After the concert I broke down completely, and couldn't stop crying. That was very painful.

The stay in itself was really nice! I was there with Emelie and we prowled Helsinki a lot. The snowing and grey weather in grey Helsinki doesn't really make it seem any more welcoming. Of course I had to meet the Dir en grey bastards at the airport again. Stared Kyo right in the eye, the little bugger. Die ran around taking pictures of the time board, he's such a nerd.

The plane ride was hell. The plane was bumping up and down in the air and even after half an hour flight the lights were still not turned on or anything. We soon got a message from the captain that went something like this: "We seem to have a technical issue and have to turn around and go back to Helsinki. Please remain calm." YEAH FUCKING THANKS!! I have SUCH a huge fear of flights, and getting such a message has been my greatest fear. The landing was VERY uncomfortable as it went so fast I was certain we were falling. After they had sent a technician over the plane they said that the plane could not be airborn and that we'd get further information. After two hours we were finally on another plane taking us home... I so wanted to just walk the rest of the way back to Norway, but bit the fear in me by hyper actively talking to another dir en grey fan I found on the plane. I've never been so scared in my entire life and I haven't slept or eaten since.

I hope it'll soon pass so that I might consider all the amazingly good things that happened without feeling the sour bile of that fear in my throat.

So tomorrow it is

Tomorrow I am leaving for Finland to see Dir en grey again. For the third time actually. I am... beyond myself with excitement, I am sure Ri san and Su san can relate very well. I've had a MURDERING headache the entire day, its been so bad I burst into tears once or twice. I'm pretty sure it's because of the excitement, at least I am hoping it is and that it will have left tomorrow. I'll have to get up at 03:20 tomorrow morning. I doubt I'll be able to sleep at all. But maybe that means I'll fall asleep on the plane and I won't have to sit there with my paranoid mind and hope I somehow don't crash the plane >_>. My friend Emelie, whom I'm going with, wont arrive until around 13 in Finland, while I arrive 08:30. Luckily though, Marko, whom I lived with last time I was in Finland, will meet me and we'll find the hotel together ^^.

Just writing this makes me all giddy and I hardly know what to do with myself. I feel like such a freaking fangirl because of this, but I can hardly help it. But then again, it's better to be excited and lose some dignity than to be stone cold and feel nothing right? Right!