Waaah first weekend >_< I am sooo tired, and of course I have gotten a wicked cold. Apparently it's customary to catch a cold the first weeks one work in a kindergarten... blaaah. But unfortunately for me, the hussy (yes she looked like a hussy) I've done the work for is all well now, so they won't need me coming monday. But talking with the boss of the place, they did need someone again next wednesday and thursday and they really liked me. She was gonna call my boss at once reserving me so she didn't send me somewhere else. Well, I am very pleased to hear that because I fell so in love with all the little kiddies in the kindergarten, it fucking broke my heart to say goodbye to them on Friday. Especially little Kaja, and I even got a goodbye hug from evil little Elias, whom I think have gotten to warm up to me the last couple of days.
I mean, getting to work with these children has to be one of the most educating experiences I've ever had. Yesterday I was given charge of the two smallest boys of my group, Mathias and William, who're both a bit over a year. Well, after a lot of struggling to get Mathias clothed, William is just a dear, he just sits there as I dress him, we headed outside. It was a beautiful autumn day, the sun shone warm and the air was crisp with yellow and red leaves falling leisurely off the trees. The two little boys were just wonderful to deal with, and for once Mathias didn't turn all wrong, it appears he's just starving on attention (Mathias is the smallest brother out of three siblings, Selma the bitchy one and Elias the evil one. They're all three the ones who make the most trouble of all the kiddies in the group, and I don't think it's a coincidence...). Mathias was the happiest little camper you've ever seen as he held my hand, William holding the other, and we walked through the little grove at the end of the kindergarten. Holding the tiny threes and shaking them so the leafs fell were apparently way fun, even William had to exclaim at it. William is also very excited about airplanes and cars, and points a lot and says "shepåhde!" which translated would be something like "look at that!". They climbed around a lot, but then William wanted to use the swings a bit but Mathias is too impatient to sit on a swing for very long. So I put William in one, and then I and Mathias headed over to the grass. I lied down, and within short time Mathias had lied down beside me, so I held around him. That little person holding tight on my jacket with his little blonde curly head on my arm as we stared at the blue sky and the waving trees.. I have no words for it. I think this is a memory I will carry with me as one of the most precious ones the rest of my life.

Later that day I sat feeding William, and Mathias sat on my lap because the other kindergarten-nanny had just dumped him on me, even though I had to leave to catch my train in less that five minutes. Anyway, I sat there with them, Mathias being quite restless because he had just slept and wanted to go out and about. Anyway, William is a sucker for food, whenever he sees the trolley with lunch food on it, he runs to his chair and asks to be buckled up in it. So he sat there with his little pieces of bread and I tried to entertain Mathias, and suddenly William reaches over with one of his last pieces of bread and gives them to Mathias!!! I was completely flabbergasted! Mathias took it and calmed down as he ate it and we had a nice time all in all. William also gave Mathias his waterbottle once in a while, so that Mathias could drink a bit too. I think William has to be the kindest soul in the world. Such a tiny little person, and he already knows all about sharing.

Needless to say, there were quite a bit of tears in my eyes as I said goodbye to the kids, as I don't know whether or not I will return to them. So many little people who've come to mean so much to me, and during such a short time too. It's just that kids don't hold anything back, they open their souls completely and they trust you to mean the best for them always. Man, if you haven't worked with kids, I highly recommend it, it will teach you a lot, and give you new fate the humanity again.

Like most of you know, I began work today and a lot of exciting things happened! At least they were exciting to me.

Kindergarten FTW might be the sentiment I have now, but I have a feeling that maight change as soon as I get really tired... but anyway! This was my first day at work, I had to get up at 06:00 this morning because my bus left for the trainstation at 07:05. Anyway, that was quite weird and disturbing as I've actually been going to bed around the time I now have to get up o_O But as I was dead tired last night I fell asleep around eleven, so I actually awakened by myself a bit before six... weird that.
So, I took the bus and the train, used a map to find the kindergarten (really wasn't that difficult) and arrived half an hour before work. I was ushered inside, greeted by loads of various women (all really nice), given a cup tea and set down to wait until half passed eight to begin my work. I thought that since I had arrived early they might as well just introduce me to the work at once, but it doesn't seem like they believe in working more than what's absolutely necessary. Weird girls.

I was put in a group of children ranging from 1 to 5. It's a sibling division, and that is why the age varies so, which was great! I got a taste of everything. The adorable little onelings running around and climbing up the walls like crazy, and the bigger bossier children who loved ordering me around because "they knew where everything is and such". But they were all adorable, I was completely surprised at their well behaviour! The only exceptions really was Elias who liked to get my attention by throwing rocks at the other girls, and Markus... but I think his problem went a little deeper than just being boisterious. He didn't want to talk at all really, and whenever he interacted with other people he was quiet and (to me) showed a lot of repressed anger. There was this adorable incident where we were taking a walk around the block, and they had to hold hands. But Markus wouldn't hold his friend's hand, and the other boy seemed so confused by this, repeating "But don't ya wanna hold my hand Ma-kus? We're best friends. But we're best friends!' And it was so heartbreaking I just wanted to take the two little buggers and hug them. Anyway, I managed to talk Markus into holding his friend's hand. He never went violent or angry whenever I spoke to him. Either he just ignored me or did whatever I asked quietly. Like when they were playing in the sandbox, and he lost his temper with his friend and began shoving him, and I yelled across the sandbox that he should quit it at once and behave properly. His head bobbed up and he stared at me with huge green eyes before sitting down, quietly playing again. It took maybe half a minute before I noticed someone standing beside me where I was busy building chocolate cakes with two other a bit younger girls. And he just stood there, I asked if he wanted to come build cakes or maybe we should make a castle together, but he didn't answer. He just stood there, beside me o_O

I also already received flowers!!! That was so peculiar! I was sitting on the swings (trying to ignore the girl who wanted to use them because I didn't want to leave the swings... ) when I noticed this girl (she was from a different group, so I hadn't seen her before) who looked exactly like me from when I was that age. The same silly cut bangs, the same middleblonde curls, the same little face, even the same type of clothes. It was like staring at a living picture from when I went to kindergarten! And suddenly she comes over to me and asks "who're you?" and I say my name is Siren and I'm gonna work there the next few days and I ask her for her name. Now I can't really remember what she answered, but suddenly she just held out her hand: "flowers," she declared "they're for you." These kids, honestly, they break my heart.

Like my new little love, who tags after me wherever I go. I think she's about three at most, and her name is Kaja. She has blonde hair, a tiny little face and huge grey eyes. She always plays alone in the sandbox, so I came and sat down with her, and we instantly became friends. She talks none stop, and I can't understand a single word of what she says. I think she talk about her mum a lot. We built sandcakes, she tore them down and was quite andamant in making the perfect cake. But she didn't get angry if it broke and didn't turn out well, she just laughed, said "it got ruined!" and smashed it with a spade. This she followed up with "gotta make a new!" but she said it in such childish norwegian it actually sounded like "gotta rake a new". For a while I thought she wanted to rake it but... And chiming in "now's enough! Now's enough!" when we filled the bucket. She would pour on more sand and say "now's enough!" and then hand me the bucket to turn over. She was quite an expert in sandcake making I'll tell you. And she copied everything I did. If I dug in the sand with my hands, she used her hands, if I took away the upper white layer of sand to get to the wet, she'd do the same and be imensly proud whenever she managed to conjure up the playable sand. Kaja was also quite concerned when another boy took my spade because he didn't have one and all was taken. "He took your spade, took your spade!" she warned me, pointing at the boy who looked like a deer in the headlights (he hadn't asked), but I just smiled and said it was ok, he could have it. That made them both relax and I begun playing with my hands instead (which prompted Kaja to do the same). Such a sweet little thing.

I was also set to the task of making treasure maps for every single child in the kindergarten out in the freezing wind on the bench I had to sit, three kids helping me hold the papers down as I drew after the instructions that a rather bouncy little boy decribed to me. He hasked me to make paperplanes too, but it didn't hold to his standards so he showed me how to make a proper one. Afterwards (he was from a different group) he came running out in the hall when I was dressing another boy and began chattering like crazy.

I could go on and on about this, writing pages up and down about each little child as they were completely adorable the lot of them. I was so surprised at how well behaved they were, and I had almost no trouble and needed to talk to some boys just a handful of times and break up a catfight a couple of times. I mean, I might get tired and see their true nature really soon, but this far, they seem to be the most brilliant people I've met in quite some time. It flabbergasts me to hear them talk because they're way more intelligent and aware of their surroundings than one would believe. I listened in on a conversation between two kids, where one loudly described the road to some mall they had been to, and where they needed to drive. I can honestly say I almost haven't a clue what the street I live on is called, and here the little kid on 4 knows all the complicated roadnames.
They also have such extremely adorable priorities. Like this girl I had never talked to before came over and told me excitingly that she was visitng a friend of her this afternoon and they'd play and then she'd eat at her place and then they'd watch children's tv and then she'd be driven home XDD They are gorgeous. To hold the youngest of them, when he got tired and was to take a nap and he rested against the crook of my neck, completely trusting that I wanted the best for him.

And then we have the little kid Wilhelm, who just flabbergasted me all in all. He was maybe a bit over a year, but he was one of the very youngest and one of the first kid I noticed when I entered the kindergarten. He sat buckled up in his highchair and stared at me with this scrutinizing "who're you" gaze. This really intence, curious and slightly strict and forbidding face, the little kid. And he wasn't like the youngest boy (Mathias) at all, even though there might just have been a few months apart. This little kid, completely silent, I can't remember him having uttered a word all the time he was there. He just sat by himself, playing, and once he came over to me to show me his doll, which he seemed particularly proud of, before putting it in a trolley and roll it around the room for a bit. When Mathias was on the floor Wilhelm came over to him with is playcars and handed them over for him to play with. The fact that a boy a bit over a year has the concept of sharing by free will and co-playing just blew my mind. He was so kind, quiet and thoughtfull. Sadly, he was ill, no one knew because he didn't complain at all, and we didn't notice until he threw up. I don't think he'll return tomorrow, which is a bit sad.

The other adults were all really nice too. The women I work with are all really sporty and nice. Well, one seem to suffer a lot from headache and was very tired, the other behaved a bit like she owned the kids and didn't quite trust that I could handle the situations. But she soon gave me a bit of space as she saw that the kids liked me. Anyway, we are much fewer adults than we should be per group right now (and tomorrow we'll only be two), so they forgot to give me the proper instructions as to who kid is allowed to this and who should do that and when we should do this. But no worries! The oldest girls in the group was put to the case of raising the new kindergarten-nanny, and damn, they knew their business. I can't remember ever having been that conscious of my surroundings when I was in kindergarten. All I remember was chewing rocks because I saw it on tv once, argue with my friends, fight, play with the boys, staring at the sky (I did that a lot. I have lots of memories of sky staring o_O) and generally just being a brat. But then again, I also have a distinct memory of a lot of scolding from the nannies, I might have been one of the kids you just want to shut in a room and keep away from the other kids... anyway! What I wanted to say was that I had no clue what went around me at all. I didn't know the nannies' names (just called them kindergarten-aunts), I hardly even knew which group I belonged to, or where my food was, or my clothing... these kids just know everything like the back of their hands.

Well, I could write an entire essay about this, but I won't haha XD Anyway, bet I'll be writing even more tomorrow!!

Nervous

Waaaah, I am going to a job interview in a few hours. For a kindergarten, I am not too nervous, as I don't actually expect I'll get the job. I just applied for it out of randomness, and was totally flabbergasted when I got an answer. Lets hope I won't make a complete fool out of myself!

Edit: Thanks to all the wonderful well wishing, good Karma to you all, I finally landed a job!! I'll begin tomorrow already D: I am totally not ready for that, but at the same time it's quite nice. Much better than sit in front of the computer waiting for things to happen and beg people for money all the time! Huzzah!

Eurgh?

I have been listening to CD after CD of the music I have now, trying to discern the guitarpatterns so that I might attempt them... Do any of you guys know how difficult it is to try and discern chords when you're nearly tone deaf? It's freakin' impossible I tell you! o_O

I'll manage this!! *shakes fist*

(except that this entry has such bad English it makes even me cringe in pain).

Some days are bad. It feels like I don't have what it takes, that I should just give up now. Those days I feel so utterly alone, even when I talk to people. It just feels like my life stopped at a dead end, and I didn't even get the chance to start.

Other days are good. It feels like I am invincible, as if I can reach any goal I set. Those days I know that whatever life gives me, I'll just use it to my advantage, that I am born to do this. Then I feel such strength, and things seems so clear and obvious.

This was a bad day, I feel like quitting. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Let's hope so.

It's gorgeous weather outside again today.

I am listening to Plastic Tree, I have hardly listened to anything else the last days.

My head is killing me.

I feel slightly like crying, and I don't know why.


I had a dream again this morning. I was an angel, a male angel... but not a good angel, I was like Lestat just in angel form. And I was head over heels in love with this girl, who on the outside seemed like a very proper Victorian girl (because we were during the Victorian times), but on the inside she was truly evil, or at least an outright bitch. But she didn't want me, not really, so I pretended I had an affair with the priest who had come visiting at the mansion.
She got really angry and run away, but I came after her, of course. To tell her I had only done it because I was hurt and that it had been a childish thing and I was really sorry. Anyway, the dream jumps a lot, and the only thing I can remember clearly is that we sit inside this really rotten old house, and she says she wants to test me, how much I trust her and want her. So she asks me to open my mouth and poke out my tongue, and then she takes a hatpin out of her hair and starts to slowly pierce my tongue with it. I remember that I snapped back my head on instinct, but she gave me such a dark look, a sort of "hah, I knew you didn't really trust me". So I eventually let her do it, just to prove that I did. And the blood was gushing out of my mouth and choking me, so I began coughing, and she just looked at me with this "god, you're pathetic" sort of look. I mostly just remember her look and disgust, and the taste of blood and being choked by it. I had long blonde hair in this dream, and huge white wings. But I was still somewhat of an arse, even though I would have died for her. The feeling of the cold metal of the pin before it pierced my tongue was, and still is, disconcertingly vivid.

Arg!

Yes.. ARG! And then some! This day started rather sucky... *mutters about it* Firstly, the weather outside is grey... yes GREY! I have had beautiful weather the last week though, so it's not that bad... but it helps putting a damper on things.
I put my mobile to ring at eight, because I needed to be early out to buy those damned Dir en grey tickets because Finish fans are crazy. CRAZY I TELL YOU! The ticket sale hadn't begun yet though, at eight, so I fell asleep again and thought I'd rather check in every hour to see if the sale had begun yet. I thought it couldn't be that bad... HAH! When I checked in again at half past nine IT WAS SOLD OUT!!!!!! FUCK!
But only the 4th... so I hurried to buy for the 5th.... but still... *headdesks* I hate the Finish fans, why do they need to be so rabid about it... *mutters*
I've also got the worst period since ever... I don't think I've had it this bad since the very first times. When I used to throw up and faint all over. I've had such bad and heavy craps for days now... And I can't even afford continuing on the pill because I have absolutely no money. Which also means I can't afford going to the doctor because of my joint continuing to twist themselves in their sockets (yeah that sounds baaaaaad XD). But if I have to choose between seeing Dir en grey and my health, of course I choose Dir en grey!
My light bulb above the desk broke too... arg!

Today I've decided I want to be in a huff and all indignant... I wonder how long that's gonna last. I never really manage to be annoyed for very long.

What d'you know...

Just got wakened by a phone call from the lady doing the interviews and such for the kindergarten I horrendously replied to a day back or so. I thought I'd never ever hear from them again, as I screwed up the application so, but apparently the lady wants an interview with me on Monday o_O They must be really desperate!!

I somehow always get considered, they love what I write in the applications, but when it gets down to me they're really not sure at all it seems. Peh, the stupid lady didn't even think I could sell cakes! I am also anticipating a phone call from Leger uten Grenser... I wonder if I get a call saying I got the job before my interview with the kindergarten, what do I do then? I don't doubt the kindergarten is better payed and a much more stable job but... it's really not certain I get it at all o_O

Silly adult world, I miss my children's kingdom. Where I actually was a goddess most of the time XD Here, in this world, I am not worth shit. *shakes fist at it* it doesn't realize its own good see?

Amazing news at a bad time

Yup, that's it. Amazing, fucking great, news coming at a really bad time. I have no money, I actually OWE over 4000 NOK and have 500 NOK minus on my bank account, and Dir en grey thought this would be a nice time to visit Scandinavia again. Thanks guys, thank you a freaking lot.

Initially, I really wanted to go to Amsterdam. A bit cheaper, it's a town I've never been to before, and most importantly, I get to meet Su-san again. But my friend, who I am going with, can't go to Amsterdam, only to Finland. And I feel too bad leaving her, as she wouldn't be able to go at all if I didn't come a long to Finland with her.

We might be able to catch two shows though, since they're playing both the 4th and the 5th in Helsinki. IF I can afford it. Which I don't, not really. My amazing cousin has agreed to borrow me the money for the tickets, which I need to buy on Friday. Then I just have to sell my body or something for a month to afford going to Finland at all. But I'll walk... I'll do whatever it takes. As long as I got the tickets for the show, I'll find away to get to Finland. Hot damn, I think it's about time Dir en grey got to Norway! *Fumes*

In other news, I got a mail back from Doctors without Boundaries and they said that my CV sounded really promising and that they would contact me in a few days if I got the job. I am crossing my fingers like a maniac. I have also sent a few more (actually just one) CVs to a kindergarten not far from here. I hate sending CVs over the mail. This time I managed to forget to actually attach the stuff... oh well. I suppose I wouldn't have gotten the job anyway. I will also go around the area and ask the local bookshops if they need some assistance. Maybe I strike gold. We'll see.

My head is killing me. I have yet to translate the silly interviews for JaME. Well, I am halfway done with one so I suppose it's not that much work left.

I am tired of being a lazy bum and postponing everything. I want to be out in the world and actually live, not wait for the right moment or any of that piss. I have been waiting for eighteen years to be legal and able to do what the hell I want. Now I've been 18 for a year and I still haven't done anything. Well, I have started a sort of band and begun on like three new stories which I'll probably never finish. I am still without a job, education and stuck at home though. I'll break out, or else I'll go mad. If things haven't changed a lot by the time winter gets around, I'm scared I'll have another break down...

Oh well, I won't be pondering about the future now. I'll work hard to get a job, and that's first step into getting money and a ticket out of here!

I just finished Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. After The Lord of the Rings, this is my all time favourite book. It was such a ride through genius writing, awesome humour, clever and sarcastic references, disregard of any political correctness and pure britishness. If any of you guys ever get your hands on this book, I strongly recommend it.

The ending made me cry, not because it was sad, but because it was so bloody perfect.