I have been listening to CD after CD of the music I have now, trying to discern the guitarpatterns so that I might attempt them... Do any of you guys know how difficult it is to try and discern chords when you're nearly tone deaf? It's freakin' impossible I tell you! o_O
I'll manage this!! *shakes fist*
(except that this entry has such bad English it makes even me cringe in pain).
Sunday, 16 September 2007
Some days are bad. It feels like I don't have what it takes, that I should just give up now. Those days I feel so utterly alone, even when I talk to people. It just feels like my life stopped at a dead end, and I didn't even get the chance to start.
Other days are good. It feels like I am invincible, as if I can reach any goal I set. Those days I know that whatever life gives me, I'll just use it to my advantage, that I am born to do this. Then I feel such strength, and things seems so clear and obvious.
This was a bad day, I feel like quitting. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Let's hope so.
Other days are good. It feels like I am invincible, as if I can reach any goal I set. Those days I know that whatever life gives me, I'll just use it to my advantage, that I am born to do this. Then I feel such strength, and things seems so clear and obvious.
This was a bad day, I feel like quitting. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Let's hope so.
Saturday, 15 September 2007
It's gorgeous weather outside again today.
I am listening to Plastic Tree, I have hardly listened to anything else the last days.
My head is killing me.
I feel slightly like crying, and I don't know why.
I had a dream again this morning. I was an angel, a male angel... but not a good angel, I was like Lestat just in angel form. And I was head over heels in love with this girl, who on the outside seemed like a very proper Victorian girl (because we were during the Victorian times), but on the inside she was truly evil, or at least an outright bitch. But she didn't want me, not really, so I pretended I had an affair with the priest who had come visiting at the mansion.
She got really angry and run away, but I came after her, of course. To tell her I had only done it because I was hurt and that it had been a childish thing and I was really sorry. Anyway, the dream jumps a lot, and the only thing I can remember clearly is that we sit inside this really rotten old house, and she says she wants to test me, how much I trust her and want her. So she asks me to open my mouth and poke out my tongue, and then she takes a hatpin out of her hair and starts to slowly pierce my tongue with it. I remember that I snapped back my head on instinct, but she gave me such a dark look, a sort of "hah, I knew you didn't really trust me". So I eventually let her do it, just to prove that I did. And the blood was gushing out of my mouth and choking me, so I began coughing, and she just looked at me with this "god, you're pathetic" sort of look. I mostly just remember her look and disgust, and the taste of blood and being choked by it. I had long blonde hair in this dream, and huge white wings. But I was still somewhat of an arse, even though I would have died for her. The feeling of the cold metal of the pin before it pierced my tongue was, and still is, disconcertingly vivid.
I am listening to Plastic Tree, I have hardly listened to anything else the last days.
My head is killing me.
I feel slightly like crying, and I don't know why.
I had a dream again this morning. I was an angel, a male angel... but not a good angel, I was like Lestat just in angel form. And I was head over heels in love with this girl, who on the outside seemed like a very proper Victorian girl (because we were during the Victorian times), but on the inside she was truly evil, or at least an outright bitch. But she didn't want me, not really, so I pretended I had an affair with the priest who had come visiting at the mansion.
She got really angry and run away, but I came after her, of course. To tell her I had only done it because I was hurt and that it had been a childish thing and I was really sorry. Anyway, the dream jumps a lot, and the only thing I can remember clearly is that we sit inside this really rotten old house, and she says she wants to test me, how much I trust her and want her. So she asks me to open my mouth and poke out my tongue, and then she takes a hatpin out of her hair and starts to slowly pierce my tongue with it. I remember that I snapped back my head on instinct, but she gave me such a dark look, a sort of "hah, I knew you didn't really trust me". So I eventually let her do it, just to prove that I did. And the blood was gushing out of my mouth and choking me, so I began coughing, and she just looked at me with this "god, you're pathetic" sort of look. I mostly just remember her look and disgust, and the taste of blood and being choked by it. I had long blonde hair in this dream, and huge white wings. But I was still somewhat of an arse, even though I would have died for her. The feeling of the cold metal of the pin before it pierced my tongue was, and still is, disconcertingly vivid.
Friday, 14 September 2007
Arg!
Yes.. ARG! And then some! This day started rather sucky... *mutters about it* Firstly, the weather outside is grey... yes GREY! I have had beautiful weather the last week though, so it's not that bad... but it helps putting a damper on things.
I put my mobile to ring at eight, because I needed to be early out to buy those damned Dir en grey tickets because Finish fans are crazy. CRAZY I TELL YOU! The ticket sale hadn't begun yet though, at eight, so I fell asleep again and thought I'd rather check in every hour to see if the sale had begun yet. I thought it couldn't be that bad... HAH! When I checked in again at half past nine IT WAS SOLD OUT!!!!!! FUCK!
But only the 4th... so I hurried to buy for the 5th.... but still... *headdesks* I hate the Finish fans, why do they need to be so rabid about it... *mutters*
I've also got the worst period since ever... I don't think I've had it this bad since the very first times. When I used to throw up and faint all over. I've had such bad and heavy craps for days now... And I can't even afford continuing on the pill because I have absolutely no money. Which also means I can't afford going to the doctor because of my joint continuing to twist themselves in their sockets (yeah that sounds baaaaaad XD). But if I have to choose between seeing Dir en grey and my health, of course I choose Dir en grey!
My light bulb above the desk broke too... arg!
Today I've decided I want to be in a huff and all indignant... I wonder how long that's gonna last. I never really manage to be annoyed for very long.
I put my mobile to ring at eight, because I needed to be early out to buy those damned Dir en grey tickets because Finish fans are crazy. CRAZY I TELL YOU! The ticket sale hadn't begun yet though, at eight, so I fell asleep again and thought I'd rather check in every hour to see if the sale had begun yet. I thought it couldn't be that bad... HAH! When I checked in again at half past nine IT WAS SOLD OUT!!!!!! FUCK!
But only the 4th... so I hurried to buy for the 5th.... but still... *headdesks* I hate the Finish fans, why do they need to be so rabid about it... *mutters*
I've also got the worst period since ever... I don't think I've had it this bad since the very first times. When I used to throw up and faint all over. I've had such bad and heavy craps for days now... And I can't even afford continuing on the pill because I have absolutely no money. Which also means I can't afford going to the doctor because of my joint continuing to twist themselves in their sockets (yeah that sounds baaaaaad XD). But if I have to choose between seeing Dir en grey and my health, of course I choose Dir en grey!
My light bulb above the desk broke too... arg!
Today I've decided I want to be in a huff and all indignant... I wonder how long that's gonna last. I never really manage to be annoyed for very long.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
What d'you know...
Just got wakened by a phone call from the lady doing the interviews and such for the kindergarten I horrendously replied to a day back or so. I thought I'd never ever hear from them again, as I screwed up the application so, but apparently the lady wants an interview with me on Monday o_O They must be really desperate!!
I somehow always get considered, they love what I write in the applications, but when it gets down to me they're really not sure at all it seems. Peh, the stupid lady didn't even think I could sell cakes! I am also anticipating a phone call from Leger uten Grenser... I wonder if I get a call saying I got the job before my interview with the kindergarten, what do I do then? I don't doubt the kindergarten is better payed and a much more stable job but... it's really not certain I get it at all o_O
Silly adult world, I miss my children's kingdom. Where I actually was a goddess most of the time XD Here, in this world, I am not worth shit. *shakes fist at it* it doesn't realize its own good see?
I somehow always get considered, they love what I write in the applications, but when it gets down to me they're really not sure at all it seems. Peh, the stupid lady didn't even think I could sell cakes! I am also anticipating a phone call from Leger uten Grenser... I wonder if I get a call saying I got the job before my interview with the kindergarten, what do I do then? I don't doubt the kindergarten is better payed and a much more stable job but... it's really not certain I get it at all o_O
Silly adult world, I miss my children's kingdom. Where I actually was a goddess most of the time XD Here, in this world, I am not worth shit. *shakes fist at it* it doesn't realize its own good see?
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Amazing news at a bad time
Yup, that's it. Amazing, fucking great, news coming at a really bad time. I have no money, I actually OWE over 4000 NOK and have 500 NOK minus on my bank account, and Dir en grey thought this would be a nice time to visit Scandinavia again. Thanks guys, thank you a freaking lot.
Initially, I really wanted to go to Amsterdam. A bit cheaper, it's a town I've never been to before, and most importantly, I get to meet Su-san again. But my friend, who I am going with, can't go to Amsterdam, only to Finland. And I feel too bad leaving her, as she wouldn't be able to go at all if I didn't come a long to Finland with her.
We might be able to catch two shows though, since they're playing both the 4th and the 5th in Helsinki. IF I can afford it. Which I don't, not really. My amazing cousin has agreed to borrow me the money for the tickets, which I need to buy on Friday. Then I just have to sell my body or something for a month to afford going to Finland at all. But I'll walk... I'll do whatever it takes. As long as I got the tickets for the show, I'll find away to get to Finland. Hot damn, I think it's about time Dir en grey got to Norway! *Fumes*
In other news, I got a mail back from Doctors without Boundaries and they said that my CV sounded really promising and that they would contact me in a few days if I got the job. I am crossing my fingers like a maniac. I have also sent a few more (actually just one) CVs to a kindergarten not far from here. I hate sending CVs over the mail. This time I managed to forget to actually attach the stuff... oh well. I suppose I wouldn't have gotten the job anyway. I will also go around the area and ask the local bookshops if they need some assistance. Maybe I strike gold. We'll see.
My head is killing me. I have yet to translate the silly interviews for JaME. Well, I am halfway done with one so I suppose it's not that much work left.
I am tired of being a lazy bum and postponing everything. I want to be out in the world and actually live, not wait for the right moment or any of that piss. I have been waiting for eighteen years to be legal and able to do what the hell I want. Now I've been 18 for a year and I still haven't done anything. Well, I have started a sort of band and begun on like three new stories which I'll probably never finish. I am still without a job, education and stuck at home though. I'll break out, or else I'll go mad. If things haven't changed a lot by the time winter gets around, I'm scared I'll have another break down...
Oh well, I won't be pondering about the future now. I'll work hard to get a job, and that's first step into getting money and a ticket out of here!
Initially, I really wanted to go to Amsterdam. A bit cheaper, it's a town I've never been to before, and most importantly, I get to meet Su-san again. But my friend, who I am going with, can't go to Amsterdam, only to Finland. And I feel too bad leaving her, as she wouldn't be able to go at all if I didn't come a long to Finland with her.
We might be able to catch two shows though, since they're playing both the 4th and the 5th in Helsinki. IF I can afford it. Which I don't, not really. My amazing cousin has agreed to borrow me the money for the tickets, which I need to buy on Friday. Then I just have to sell my body or something for a month to afford going to Finland at all. But I'll walk... I'll do whatever it takes. As long as I got the tickets for the show, I'll find away to get to Finland. Hot damn, I think it's about time Dir en grey got to Norway! *Fumes*
In other news, I got a mail back from Doctors without Boundaries and they said that my CV sounded really promising and that they would contact me in a few days if I got the job. I am crossing my fingers like a maniac. I have also sent a few more (actually just one) CVs to a kindergarten not far from here. I hate sending CVs over the mail. This time I managed to forget to actually attach the stuff... oh well. I suppose I wouldn't have gotten the job anyway. I will also go around the area and ask the local bookshops if they need some assistance. Maybe I strike gold. We'll see.
My head is killing me. I have yet to translate the silly interviews for JaME. Well, I am halfway done with one so I suppose it's not that much work left.
I am tired of being a lazy bum and postponing everything. I want to be out in the world and actually live, not wait for the right moment or any of that piss. I have been waiting for eighteen years to be legal and able to do what the hell I want. Now I've been 18 for a year and I still haven't done anything. Well, I have started a sort of band and begun on like three new stories which I'll probably never finish. I am still without a job, education and stuck at home though. I'll break out, or else I'll go mad. If things haven't changed a lot by the time winter gets around, I'm scared I'll have another break down...
Oh well, I won't be pondering about the future now. I'll work hard to get a job, and that's first step into getting money and a ticket out of here!
Saturday, 8 September 2007
I just finished Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. After The Lord of the Rings, this is my all time favourite book. It was such a ride through genius writing, awesome humour, clever and sarcastic references, disregard of any political correctness and pure britishness. If any of you guys ever get your hands on this book, I strongly recommend it.
The ending made me cry, not because it was sad, but because it was so bloody perfect.
The ending made me cry, not because it was sad, but because it was so bloody perfect.
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