Komplekser

"SIREN, DU HAR EN SVÆR REVV!" skrek hun og pekte på meg.

Jo takk. Der og da falt hele den skjøre lille verdenen min sammen igjen. På ny stod tårene i øynene på meg og jeg hadde lyst til å kaste opp der og da.

Jeg er lei av å hate følelsen av å være mett. Jeg er lei av å ligge sulten i senga mi klokken halv fem om morgenen. Jeg er lei av å rive av meg klesplagg på klesplagg foran speilet. Jeg er lei av å ha lyst til å ta en kniv for så å skjære av meg alt sammen.

Så takk for at du minnet meg på ett av mine største komplekser.

Today I got hurt by someone I thought couldn't hurt me anymore. Not that it by any means was intentional, I don't think, but the action was surprisingly hurting. In many layered parts. For a long time I've been pretty certain that all relations and feelings were gone, and felt glad for it. But lately things have been bubbling just under the surface, and somehow it was like getting a fist in the face today. Just an innocent thing, with no real relations towards me at all, made my tears well up and I felt awfully embarrassed. All I wanted to do was throw everything I had in my hands to the floor and run away, like I did when it was at it's worst.

Luckily an unknowing(or perhaps he actually saw) Torgeir distracted me by asking if I wanted a cup of coffee. It got me out of the pit of self pity, even if I was shaken for a long while after.


It's getting so cold here I hardly know what to do. We're literally trapped inside the school since it's unbearable to be outside for any longer parts of time. The cold here is so wet and damp and it just sneaks in under your clothes and onwards until it sits in your bones. On the eastern parts of the country the cold is at this time usually very dry. It's more like a physical vacuum, while this crawls into your body and stays there.


At the moment I am reading Kokkyo no minami, tayo no nishi by Murakami Haruki. Apparently he's supposed to be some fantastic writer, but I am not seeing it yet. It's been clichéd and full of bad endings and bad beginnings. But I am getting more caught up in it, so it might just prove to be good after all. The list of books I have on my nightstand atm long, but I am looking forward to each and every one of them. Sometimes it feels like there's nothing to read at all, so I am happy that my interest is piqued again. There are moments where the concentration is so busted you just can't read a page, much less a whole book.

Next up is Nations by Terry Pratchett, onward is Finnegans Wake by James Joyce, The Living Dead that's a collection of zombie stories by authors I adore and lastly the Golden Compass. Those are the ones on my nightstand, but I have some more unread in my shelves that needs to be read too.

Volunteering

I haven't updated in a while... oh my, there I suddenly wrote in English. Well, never mind, I'll write this in English.

Anyway. Yeah. No updates. I've been thinking about it, of course things have been happening. But I've been so content with stuff, I haven't really needed to whine much. And whatever I've wanted to whine about, has been something I wouldn't part with on a blog for anything. Who knows who will find it right? I don't kid myself thinking there's anyone reading this, but someone might stumble upon it, and that would be unfortunate.

Not like the secret is earth shattering. Like the world as we know it will rock on it's foundation. It concerns the previous post I made, the lyrics, and we all know how freakin' well it went last time I admitted to "The One" that I fancied him. HAH. No, certainly not repeating that mistake. I'll just enjoy the person's company in peace, and be satisfied with that. He's my kind of pilot, and he could of taken me to the stars, but he's... engaged with another rocketship xP

That be as it may. New Years went and passed as uneventful as it usually does. Putting number on time is not something I like. I don't celebrate New Years, I don't pay much mind to my birthday and I don't even wear a watch of any kind. Time has always been my enemy. It has hounded me for years, forcing me to run until I puke. I am not obeying to it's nazi hollers anymore.

Christmas holiday was uneventful. I find it strange returning to old pastures. It's so dead. There's not even an echo there. I feel claustrophobic, to be perfectly honest. And even if I think I hurt mum and my family by being so closed off and longing back to Bergen, I hope they'll understand. I've always been so restless, and those places reminds me of a pain and darkness I am fleeing from. This is the place I sunk into depression, this is the place where I started to hate myself, gnawing at my own bones. Hacking at them with razonblades. When animals in cages gnaw at their own paws they're in pain, I don't think it's any different with humans. When I then return I feel some of it still stoke my back, making the hairs stand on end. I feel paranoid, restless, claustrophobic and hateful. I am not that Siren anymore. I am not that scared little girl, forced up in a corner, and attacking anything that moves. I don't want to be reminded of her either. Not yet.

Speaking of getting away. We had an awesome man with a rainbow watch hold a lecture for us today. He came from the RCNUWC and spoke to us about a volunteer programme he was working on. To explain it brief: he travels from school to school talking about volunteering, recruits people, and help them send applications to good volunteering programmes that you can trust.

It soundes beyond perfect.

Just what I've wanted. This came shooting at me like lightening from a clear sky. Initially I thought of applying at the Writer's Art Academy in Bergen, pretty high up there, but I held little hope for even being accepted. Besides, I was less than enthused about writing the application. They want a realist psychological text on between 10 and 15 pages. That's really not my thing, not yet. And if that's what they want... well... that's not what I feel like giving at the time. But this, this volunteering, that's really an opportunity. New culture, working as a teacher, really experiencing new and exciting things! Challenge myself!

Of all the places I am most enthused about Thailand. I don't know, there's just something about it that suddenly fancied me a lot. I really want to work there. I want to learn the culture, the language, the people; everything.

The application is pretty thorough, and they want it within a short period of time. I'll have to magick up a tidy sum for it, but I really want this. I feel really motivated. For the first time I actually want to forsake my little pleasures in order to save up money. I hope I get accepted. So far I haven't seen many Norwegians as volunteers. That's a bit disheartening, but we'll see. I won't give up before the game has begun.

Today I spent the entire afternoon after classes reading up on the different programmes and what they need for the applications. There's several things I want, unfortunately it seems like we an only apply for one thing at the time, but I'll email Peter and ask him a few questions. I'll continue researching tomorrow.

I am not letting this opportunity get away from me!

To The Moon and Back

She's taking time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come

[...]

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends, well they've been trialed for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
It's like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
-savage garden

Skitt! I det siste har jeg vært veldig dårlig på å oppdatere. Ting skjer. De tre siste ukene har vi hatt linjeuker, skriveuker, og det var så gøy som jeg hadde håpet på at det skull være. Nå, derrimot, holder vi på med den evinnelige editerings prosessen. Vi skal lese hver laaaange tekst og gå igjennom den. Det er drepen.

Derfor er det fint at folk har begynt å komme så tett sammen nå i desember månedene. Julestemningen hersker ikke helt, men alle prøver så godt de kan. Vi gjør jule ting. Spiller julesanger, pynter, lager peppekaker, og sitter tett sammen om kveldene og bare holder rundt hverandre. Det er kos.


Linjekveld med Latin Amerika. Meg som voodoo prestinne med mine kjære zombier og en svineinfluensa!


I det siste har jeg ikke sovet så alt for godt. Jeg går på andre eller tredje natten uten mye søvn nå. Disse sirklene begynner å få en hvis repetisjon i seg nå, ser jeg.

På lørdag hadde ISA linja innsamling til ungdomshuset de bygger på Sri Lanka, og alle måtte ut å hjelpe til. Det var bare å kle på seg alt en hadde av anstendige og varme klær, ta et godt tak om bøssa og spørre folk om de ville dele litt. Mange var hyggelige, mange var uhøflige, mange var egentlig bare forvirret. Det er merkelig det der. En klarte til og med å prestere å si at han bare støttet saker i norge. Her står du, i en kø for å komme inn å se en pepperkakeby (her bruker de MAT for å lage HUS som du kan SE på), i en god varm jakke og med en trygg familie rundt deg.... og du kan ikke støtte mennesker som ikke har mat, klær eller trygghet fordi de ikke er norske? Forkastelig! Hvordan noen kan være så trangsynte og egoistiske kan jeg rett og slett ikke forstå. Kjenner dem ikke gleden ved å gi?

I det siste har jeg hørt mye på Rapunzel av Emilie Autumn. Jeg har på følelsen at dette er min Høst Åsane 09 sang. Håper jeg vil kunne fortsette å høre på den i etter tid. Det kommer til å bli tungt å slutte her. En har blitt så avhengig av å ha disse menneskene tett inn på en hele tiden. Bare tanken av å stå uten dem får meg til å føle meg ustø. Det kommer definitivt til å bli mange ensome, lange og søvnløse netter. Jeg hater å være alene. Klarer det ikke.
Vi snakket om å gå sammen for å leie et hus som vi kunne lage et kollektiv i. Det hadde vært fantastisk. Håper virkelig at det blir noe av.

Apropo etter dette året så har jeg tenkt litt på skriveakademiet neste år. Nå har jeg sagt med store, sinte bokstaver at skole ikke er noe for meg. Men jeg antar jeg har begynt å venne meg til det igjen. Først og fremst skal jeg lese litt rundt det, så skal jeg snakke med John Erik. Om det fremdeles virker som noe jeg kunne like søker jeg. Har veldig lyst til å bli boende i Bergen, så om jeg ikke kommer inn på akademiet her forsetter jeg på plan A.

Hilmar

Hilmar Smnøy. Spøkelset som har gått igjen på internatene. Som varslet oss når ovnen truet med å gå i luften. Han er ofte inne på vaskerommet. Jeg fryser som faen når han er i nærheten, men jeg vet han er god.

Endelig så fant jeg ham. Hilmar Samnøy.

Writing to reach you

Nå har linjeukene offisielt begynt. Skriving, skriving og atter skriving. Jeg tror jeg liker det, i alle fall så langt. Klarte å grine til meg en plass bakerst i klasserommet ved vinduet og varmeovnen. Av og til er det greit at folk er redd meg.

På lørdag hadde vi elevstemne. Skolen inviterte gamle elever fra forgagne år på fest, og det var opp til oss nåværende elever å underholde. Min oppgave var å lese opp en novelistisk tekst skrevet av Matias. Det gikk visst ganske bra for jeg fikk mye ros etterpå. Selve dagen var utrolig slitsom. Den begynte med korøving like etter frokost, og fortsatte frem til middag. Etter middag måtte jeg gå igjennom teksten og hilse på gamle elever. Klokken halv seks braket det løs med fest. Synging, skravling, klapping og lesing. Vi fikk også besøk på internatene langt ut på natt. Og jeg som bare tuslet rundt i pysjen.



Neste helg har vi langhelg, fri fra fredag til søndag, og slik som det ser ut nå blir jeg alene igjen på skolen. Jeg har blitt bedt hjem til Anne, og det frister å si ja, men jeg tenker også at det er en ypperlig sjangs til å skrive. Om jeg drar hjem til Anne tilbyr hun seg å betale for billetten.... og jeg synes det er ille nok at jeg skal bo og spise hos dem. Jeg vet ikke, det frister ikke spesielt mye å bli igjen heller. Vi får se hva jeg gjør, jeg har en hel uke å bestemme meg på.