"God is in the TV"

There's a reason I don't watch much TV.

Lately I have been really exhausted in my head, and I can't find peace. There's a sort of continious burst of creativity, and I like it. It's the first time in a long while and I hope it will keep. I feed on compliments and encouragement, and that's not something I get a lot from my teachers. Like in the dance play we saw: "one negative comment will render the hat ugly". That's how my writing is. They can brag it into the sky, still one single "but" will crash it to the ground and make all my efforts worthless.

I don't even know why others opinion on my writing is so important to me. It shouldn't be. I should write singularily for my own pleasure. It's just that I hand myself out in my writing, I feel too much that it's me they're critiquing. Besides, writing has always been my forte. My ace. My playground. Whenever I get the impression that I don't control it, it feels like all I stand for is just an illusion I have given myself.

Maybe one day I will be sure enough in myself that others opinion doesn't count, but that's not yet.

On an almost entierly different note: I saw a book on accident in the library called Beijing Baby. The name and bright coloured cover caught me at once, and reading the reviews it seemed interesting. It's a biography written by a 17 year old girl in Beijing, and how it is like being young there. It's interesting that even though we grew up in so different environments; our frame of minds are so similar. Or at least, the frame of mind I had at that age. My hatred for school, for any bonds forced upon me. My exhaustion, how finding energy to break free, to find something else, seemed impossible. Not to forget worthless. How we both surrounded ourselves in filth, depression and disgust because it seemed like the only choice we had.

Her grungy and careless way of writing is somehow very inspirational. I love it. Its hard without any compromises, just like the youth. It's in that age we learn how to build those iron walls, those fortresses that no one can break down, ever. Not that anyone is interested. If they had been there would have been a lot less loneliness growing up.

Being here at school with so many people who're just out of upper secondary reminds me so much of how I was myself. Two years out of school has given me a hell of a lot. I didn't realize until just now, recently. I am a completely different person.

If this is good or bad, I don't know. Mostly it's just inevitable.